Dreaming... and doing

What's next?

This very specific question both motivates and terrifies me, to this day. I still sometimes doubt I know how to answer it. How am I supposed to know what to focus on next? How can I decide between the thousands of possible next steps? And what if (heaven forbid), I end up choosing the wrong next step, and totally and completely ruin my entire life and business?

I'm learning. Very slowly that there's no such thing as a "wrong" step forward.

In fact, each step forward is a part of the process. Which is exactly why I have to stop waiting. I can no longer afford to wait.

To wait for the perfect:

• time to quit my job
• client to show up
• praise to come in
• opportunity to grow

Because waiting isn't the answer. I've been waiting for years. It's still not the answer.

Doing it, even though it's scary (and perhaps even despite bad timing) is the answer. Because, waiting (even though it's always sounded safer), has only ever delayed success. 

And I'm really tired of being unsuccessful in something I know I will have abundant success.

I'm ready for action, ready for change. Ready to delight! Watch me do it!

delightfully yours,

Rochelle

A Letter of Love

Remember this commercial?

It's useless to fight back the tears. 

In my humble opinion, these moments are what being a parent is all about. Surely there's nothing like parenthood and being so in love with all the little things your child does day in and day out. I love Emily for her impeccable sense of style, and now her positive outlook on motherhood. Not everyone can have her glowing attitude. I have no expectations that my own experiences will be easy in any way but my understanding and hope remain that it's the moments in life that make the impossible somehow bearable; the sleepless nights, forgettable.

For many years now I have been a privileged witness to families growing around me. Regularly I receive precious videos and photos of my beyond cute godson that make me giggle and swoon. It's hard not to fall in love with the adorable kiddos in my life. Our nephews are growing so quickly; friends kiddos are no longer the cute, chubster-drooling-machine-babbling-babies they were only briefly, but are suddenly walking and talking little people with awesome personalities. I feel like I've blinked and too much time has gone by; I can only imagine how their parents must feel!

Someone said to me the other day that I have a lovely home that is admired by many because I don't have a family to care for. While this is true, this comment caught me a little off-guard, and my immediate reaction was to be offended. Yes, I've had the freedom of not having a family with my loving Jim for 10 years now. Meanwhile we've built a life for ourselves, but our desire to have a family of our own has been present for a very long time. We love our home, but despite it being nicely decorated and filled with love and our own menagerie of fur-children, it's still somehow felt e-m-p-t-y. We have wanted a family for so long, and also been deprived of having our own children for years now - not having a family hasn't been for lack of trying.

Truth be told, there have been serious pangs of jealousy. Having faced one misscarriage, the pre-term birth of our son, and many many cycles of no plus sign on the stick, I had honestly begun to lose hope that as a 32 year old woman, I would ever conceive and carry a child to full-term. I'd witnessed so many families grow in love over the years, and I couldn't help but be a little jealous of their luck.

But last December, the day after meeting up with a dear friend to enjoy drinks and dinner celebrating our birthdays, I decided that I’d been feeling weird for too many days, and without telling Jim, I went to the drug store during my lunch break to purchase a pregnancy test. When I got home I fumbled with the packaging, followed all the steps, and then I immediately went to occupy myself elsewhere. I tried to make dinner but my hands were shaking. Even though I new the symptoms I was feeling were familiar, I had convinced myself so many other times that similar feelings meant I was pregnant, only to have the test (and later, mother nature) confirm otherwise. Nervous as I was, I looked down, and there were were the words "Pregnant".

The rest of the hours I waited for Jim to come home were a blur. I know I cried in disbelief, and I recall trying to come up with a clever way of sharing the news with Jim. I settled on not saying a word, but walking him straight into the bathroom to see the results for himself as soon as he walked in the door. He knew I had been feeling "off", but I think when he found out he was still in shock. It took both of us months to calm to the point where we believed this pregnancy was actually going to stick, and weeks later, a surgery to have a cerclage (a cervical stitch) put in place finally gave us the assurance we felt we needed to let ourselves be excited about this pregnancy.

Little one growing in my belly: I feel you. I see you move. It's surreal seeing your elbows and knees move across my belly, and to feel you roll against my insides. It's a miracle, and every second you continue to grow is such a joy to witness. As you grow, I'm watching you stretch the limits of my own skin. Yet, I know that your life will continue to stretch me in ways and limits I won't even know I can be stretched to. I know that my patience and grace will be stretched to capacity, knowledge and understanding will grow and expand, theories and parenting practices will be tried and tested to the limit. My love, however, will never need stretching, because it will always be limitless and unconditional. Your father and I already love you so much, and we don't even know your name. But we do know that you are ours, and that you ALWAYS will be, no matter what.

I can't wait to meet you, to hear you take your first breath, to see your little face, to touch your skin, to have you hear me tell you repeatedly how much I love and adore you, and someday to hear you say it back. 

I can't wait to be your Mommy.

A reminder to hope for the future...

The other day my dear friend sent me a link to read, and at the end was this beautiful gem, which I had to post. 

"To be a rainbow baby does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears in the sky, it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that the family is not still dealing with its sadness aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds…..and that light is you. Storm clouds may still hover but a “rainbow baby” provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."

Venturing down the rabbit hole...

via

I have a couple friends who are obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. I wish I could tell them that this post will be all about that wonderful story - sorry friends, I'm referencing the story as a metaphor for my life changing health journey.

I'm a self-proclaimed hippie and a reluctant conspiracy theorist, but I like to think of myself as an informationalist, and a truth-seeker. In addition to being quite the flower child (most of you have been exposed to my Pinterest feed... I offer my apologies), I've always been the kind of person who's shied away from the conventional.

Perhaps this stems back to my childhood. I was raised in a household where I was not sent off to school with a traditional lunch sack filled with snack packs, cheetos and chocolate milk - but instead, healthier options like tuna sandwiches on whole grain bread with alfalfa sprouts, carrot and celery sticks, and a juice were packed for me to eat. I've never eaten cocoa-puffs, pop-tarts, or diet soda, and I proudly proclaim that I have not had McDonalds ANYTHING (don't get me started on McDonalds - so gross) in 15 years or more.

Thank God bullying was to a lesser degree when I was a child. I can't say I didn't somewhat resent my lunches as a child, but looking back, that healthy foundation has helped me make better decisions as an adult that I pride myself on.

I'll be honest, I've not always been a healthy-minded individual and the lack of caring has taken its toll for the better part of a decade, but as I've gotten older, my body and mind have reminded me that I need to take better care of it.

Getting older stinks... right???

For the better part of a year now I've been diligently and mindfully implementing self-improvements that I intend on lasting a lifetime.

This past March I took up yoga practice. Much to the chagrin of my grandmother who warned "Yoga is a religion, you know..." I attend classes on average three times a week, and I'm in love. So much so I'm sure my friends are sick and tired of hearing about how much I love yoga practice, but I was so frustrated with myself a year ago, constantly feeling sick and tired. I'm now reminded every time I leave my 6:00 AM class with calmness and the sense of accomplishment that is now measurable that you simply cannot argue with success!!

This grand pursuit of health for myself has led me to some conclusions that go against the grain – pun intended. This year I eliminated gluten from my diet.

And it's been a HUGE personal challenge for me.

I never realized how ingrained wheat is in the American diet, until I made the decision to remove it from mine. Do you remember the food pyramid from our childhood?

via

If you think about it, gluten (or wheat) is in so many things: cereal, pasta, muffins, sandwiches, burgers, pizza, flour tortillas, crackers, croutons, breading on chicken or fish, cream sauces... not to mention the hidden traces of gluten. Elimination (and not replacement) of most starches has been the only way for me to be successful, and it's transformed the way I cook and eat, and look at food. It's truly been an eye opening experience - one I wouldn't trade for anything because every day I'm gluten free my gut thanks me, rather than hating me.

These two changes - practicing yoga and becoming gluten free - while big commitments in and of themselves, have resulted in a domino effect, and they are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the measures I will go to for my health. The rabbit hole goes much deeper than I've really ever admitted to publicly, until today, and I'm still venturing further!

Some of my daily practices are so ingrained in my daily routine that I often forget that I am "weird" by "normal" standards. The other day I overheard a conversation about how Brad Pitt no longer uses soap but vinegar, and how "that's soooo gross, I bet he smells like a sheepdog!", and my thought was, "Cool! I use vinegar too! Wonder what else he does to maintain an all natural lifestyle!?"

Currently I go against the norm by doing things like:

• having organic produce delivered bi-weekly
• I don't take pain relievers or antibiotics (though I am rarely sick), but gargle with warm salt water and use acupressure for headaches instead 
• I pull oil and dry-brush my skin
• we don't use deodorant or shampoo or conditioner
• I use homemade dry shampoo in between washings which are every 2-3 days, and I try to not smell like a sheepdog!
• I cleanse my face with coconut or argan oil, and don't use body wash or traditional soap
• I avoid petroleum based products, dyes and perfumes 
• I use coconut oil, baking soda and apple cider vinegar all the time

This past week I added the following to the list: juice fasting, anti-bacterial microfiber cloths, and eliminating traditional toothpaste (although I've been using fluoride free toothpaste for years) in place of a new brushing method.

Here are my thoughts on our newest changes:

• The green juices we tried have been officially dubbed by yours truly as "undrinkable green swill", and after 3/5 of the first day, the fast was off. Also, coconut water is disgusting. I felt defeated, yet optimistic - we'll revisit a juice fast once we are able to find some better green juice recipes that don't make my husband and I want to gag.
• I'm sold on microfiber cloths - goodbye paper towels!
• New brushing method is awesome so far (hubby isn't so sure, but I'll convince him yet!). I'll give a full review soon!

Here's what's next on my to-do wishlist:

• Eliminate store bought cleaning products from under my sink!
• Make my own toothpaste, and begin brushing with charcoal
• Install a whole home water filtration or a Berkey water filtration system
• Purchase a Squatty Potty
• Grow more vegetables at home
• Reduce sugar intake - and admit I'm a sugar addict
• Try fermenting
• Continue compost heap (and try to keep Mr. Red, our dog, from eating the food waste)
• Switch out non-stick cookware for cast-iron
• Find and visit a holistic dentist
• Begin chiropractic care
• Work on balancing hormones (try magnesium butter)
• Make my own all-natural makeup
• Achieve pregnancy naturally - and give birth at home, in water, with an awesome birth team
• Practice cloth diapering, breast feeding, and baby wearing with said child 

Let's just agree as friends that not everything I've chosen for myself and my health will be for everyone. But sometimes just opening your eyes and doing a little research about the products, chemicals, and methods you are accustomed to using or consuming every day can be enough to scare you into finding better and healthier options.

As for me, and my like-minded modern hippie friends (are we considered hipster??!!? is this the new hippie??), we'll continue down this rabbit hole together and someday end up "with us living on a patch of land somewhere, curing our own meats and growing our own kale!" Sounds like a grand adventure to me!

I'd love to know what healthy practices you have in place that are not considered "normal"!

xoxo,
Chelle

(P.S. Thanks for sticking with me through this long post...) :-)

Do you feel this way?

I’ll be 32 in just a few weeks.

I don’t have any problems with the age, per se. I live a fairly typical 32-year-old life, and a pretty good one at that. From the outside, I look, talk and live like a 30-something year old woman.

What I’m concerned about is that maybe on the inside I’m not where I picture a woman of my age to be.

Confident. Graceful. Sure. Settled.

In my mind, a 32-year-old doesn’t worry about what others think. She isn’t insecure. She isn’t confused or weak and certainly doesn’t question where she’s headed, or what life has in store for her. She’s got her act together and is the picture of ladylike poise.

And yet, here I sit, 6 weeks away from that confident, graceful, sure and settled ideal, feeling so very far from it.

Have you ever felt this way?

Recently I read this post about twirling – that act of pushing off everything that hinders (insecurities, failures, aspirations) and dancing through life knowing that we are loved. Not because we are doing everything right, or because we have it all together, but because He first loved us. It’s so much less about the actual dancing (a cheesy metaphor for living life) and more about the heart in knowing we are delightfully and perfectly made, just as we are.

Twirl.

So this is what bothers me: I’m nearly 32, certainly old enough both in years and in my own personal faith in Jesus to conceptually understand all this. To live this. To let go of those stupid insecurities about not being good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, successful enough… and just believe what I know to be true: that each and every one of us are exceptionally talented, created for a unique purpose and most of all, accepted through grace just as we are and not for who we ought to be.

I’ve been in a weird spot over the last year or so, plugging away, but not really sure of where I’m headed. What are my goals? What is my dream of all dreams? It’s all been a bit cloudy and unclear and so I found myself looking around at what others were doing thinking maybe that’s where I would find the answers.

She’s writing a book - I should write a book!

She’s selling all of her possessions and touring the country - I should do that!

She's got three kids, a mansion, and works from home - I should have all that by now too!

She’s (fill-in-the-blank) - I should (fill-in-the-blank)!

Unfortunately, all this did was perpetuate my confusion and frustration and bury me further in the comparison pit (a place I know all too well). We've visited this concept several times here on the blog...

... but, have you ever been there?

I’ve spent these past few months quietly praying, looking for clues, waiting and waiting and the clearest answer just came to me clear out of the blue driving home one day a few weeks ago.

I'm not certain if it was the song I was listening to, or if my train of thought just kept chugging along without me, but as I sat in the driver’s seat, I envisioned a beautiful ballet of life play out before me. And all these fears about not being good enough, not doing it right, unsure, unsettled, afraid of what others will think – suddenly I realized just how much time I’ve been wasting. I’m hiding my head under a silly paper bag watching the world fly by while everyone else does their lovely twirls and spins.

It was then that I heard this little whisper in my soul: Rochelle, do your thing.

That’s it.

Just do your thing.

That’s the answer. And it’s ridiculously simple.

Twirl.

Twirling is about unashamed dancing. It’s about delighting in our femininity. It’s about accepting God’s absolutely profound love and finding freedom. But it’s also about just doing our thing. Not only being who we are, but actually celebrating who we are. It’s a quiet confidence. Graceful presence. Living out our unique talents, seeing the beauty within each of us and sharing it with one another.

The best thing about it is that there is no magical age when it appears. I’ve been wrong all this time about that. This confidence, grace, assuredness, is available to all of us, at any age, for as long as we choose.

I love that.

I’ll be 32 in a few weeks and while I am not the picture of confidence and maturity that I envision, I feel like I’ve made a big step in that direction. I’m so tired of the insecurities. I don’t want to live with this ugly striving and unsettled discontentment. I want the freedom to do my thing. As clunky as it may be or as graceful as it be become, I just want to be who God made me to be, share my life, love and live well.

I want to twirl.

You too?

Can I be your support team - your positive reinforcement? Can you be mine?

Be encouraged, wherever you are today, that you are wonderful. You are uniquely talented. You are valuable. And because of Jesus’ great love for you, you are deemed enough.

Now, just do your thing.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

(photo is me pregnant with our precious rainbow baby)

The truth is I have been putting this off, I was sort of going to "breeze by" today and not mention it. But as I sat down to work on a blog post for tonight, I thought... the babies lost deserve it. They deserve to be remembered, to be celebrated. 

Our baby boy deserves it. He deserves me to revisit the heartbreak and light a candle and relive the dream we had for that precious life.

His short life was one who didn't walk here along side of me, but that one that forever changed my life. 
A brief life yet so much meaning.

October 15.

Sweet baby... I haven't forgotten. Who I am is different because of the impact you had on my life. The sweet whisper that came and left. A day doesn't go by that I don't remember you. 

So many sweet ladies out there suffer in silence. You aren't alone. 

The candle burns in sweet remembrance of our baby. For your baby. For all the ones that went straight to the feet of Jesus. There are moments, moments that take my breath away... a glimpse that he hasn't been forgotten. A little life that impacted so many so quickly. 

I love you son. Mommy and Daddy cannot wait to squeeze you so tight one day. I know that I will recognize you in an instant love. 

You are so precious to me. I love you. 
Heaven is holding you tight for me till I get there love.

Misery is Good. Enjoy it while it lasts...

Some weeks are arguably easier and smoother to get through than others. When I have something to look forward to I have momentum to push me through boringboredom. Like planning a wedding, it's an extended period of time rushing and planning and then executing this thing you've been building up in your head... and then... it's over.

Just like that. All the hoopla, joy, satisfaction, attention... gone. Like a rug has been pulled out from underneath you. And you're stuck again with the same old crap.

It must be what a drug addict feels like — endlessly searching for that high, the adrenaline that comes with temporary fame and glory. And then the huge letdown, the crash, until it begins again. Life is cyclical.

"Fame is fleeting. Obscurity is forever. I’ll take obscurity."
- Napolean

I have a full-time job, a husband, and a hundred responsibilities: there is never a shortage of bills to pay, or clothes to wash, or dishes to clean, or thank-you notes to write, and phone calls to make, and meals to artfully craft, etc. I rush back home at six every night to let out the dog, feed the fur-kids, and I sometimes just want it all to stop for a moment so I can breathe, so I can escape and feel free.

Eleven years ago, I broke off my engagement to my long-term boyfriend and my whole life fell on my head. With him I had spent several years drifting around town rootlessly, eating only top Ramen and other disgusting processed foods and living in 10 x 10 x 6' attic rooms with little else than a mattress to my name. All I wanted was security, a family, a place to call home. I fantasized about it — the nice house, the nice husband, kids, blah blah blah. For a long time I let myself believe that he could be that nice husband, yet in this relationship I felt truly pathetic, lonely and unloved.

As I’m writing this now, I’m realizing that it was actually an amazing time. There is something really beautiful about not knowing which f*ing end is up and where you belong.

These days, I am really far from being a homeless drifter urchin. Being settled — as a wife with a career and a home of my own — was all I wanted for years and years. And trust me when I say that I am so incredibly grateful, and that I believe that the work we've put in has been worth the while. But I’d be lying if I said I didn't miss the days when I had none of it. There was something really light about those very dark times.

I'm a dreamer. I'm also a jealous girl of those who seem to have it all. Career, family, friends, and still manage to have fun. I have to constantly remind myself...

I dream of leaving this security for the freedom of managing myself — being disciplined enough to be successful on my own terms, and without the 'grownups' breathing down my neck about deadlines I couldn't care less about. It's a-l-m-o-s-t within reach... and it feels like it just might be my time.

Friends, keep on keeping on down the long, long road. Enjoy your single life while you can. The heartbreaks, the pain, the sucky, confusing, horrible-ness of it all. Surf the couches, feel the pain, wear the heels, cry your eyes out, spend all day in the dark thinking only about youyouyou. Work your heart to it’s core and discover who you really are deep down inside. Then do it all again. You’ll find your way in this life when it’s time.

xoxo,
Chelle

Contentment

Via

Lately I've been struggling with contentment and just being a grateful person. I always want more.  I want to achieve more, I want to do more. Not necessarily make a ton of money, though that would be nice. I just want recognition. I feel like a big greedy ingrate! 

I realize that I need a heart check.  What does contentment look like in my life? I need to allow myself to enjoy what I've been blessed with and what I've achieved, especially recently. I don't know what it is in me that feels I need to always be doing more and can never find peace or contentment. Maybe it's some deeper issues with parents, approval, etc. But that's a discussion for another time. ;-)

Please don't get me wrong - I know we have so much to be thankful for. Our beautiful house that we live in and a growing business of my own - we are blessed and give thanks daily. But I think this blog community I find myself in - the one in which I read all the blogs out there and see all the fabulous things other bloggers are doing - it can be easy to fall into this feeling of "wanting more" and it never being enough. Feelings associated with comparison. discontentment. jealousy - all these are so so dangerous. Or maybe it's just me.

Hope you don't mind me sharing some of these personal things that have been on my mind ... But I am curious to get your thoughts on the subject. Do you struggle with being content? Being thankful? If not,  please tell us your secrets! How do you remind yourself to be thankful or keep yourself in check when you start to compare? Thanks for reading today friends.

delightfully yours,

Rochelle xx

Bravery

Via

The Disney version of bravery includes fighting off bears, and fearlessly wielding a bow and arrow, but does bravery really require looking danger straight in the face while maintaining a steady, calm heartbeat? Does bravery require taking risky moves, or could simply taking baby steps outside your comfort zone be considered bravery?

We've touched on the power of fear previously my valid concerns or fears of failure, and - what I yearn to accomplish in my life. This year, after taking small steps over time to establish my own business, I've learned that with experience, things that seemed impossible once become second nature and can yield significant results, and I've been learning that if you want something bad enough, the small steps you take to break out of your comfort zone expand your horizons.

Perhaps through experience we become somewhat immune to the fear, however, I know I must remind myself to not let new experiences cripple me with fear and anxiety, but rather re-focus them as opportunities to succeed.

Via

I must remind myself that perfection does not necessarily yield success. Sometimes things go awry, and we learn from these trying moments. And under the bigger umbrella, these trying lessons only help us to grow and learn, and should not impact your memories of an otherwise positive experience. Likewise, de-valuing my work for whatever reason will only demonstrate to others that my work is not of value. Therefore, assigning fair value is the most important part of business. If my efforts are not valued, then why bother in the first place? After all, no one likes being taken advantage of. AmIright?

Delightfully yours,
Rochelle

A touchy subject

Budgets: we all have them. They are a much talked about subject not only in the wedding industry, but in life, and at times can be a bit difficult to make ends meet. More often than not, budgets aren't ideally where we would want them to be in life and for weddings. It is therefore so important when planning an event for both the clients and vendors to find the right fit. 

I wish I could make every bride-to-be's Pinterest dream wedding come true but most of the inspiration images I get are far out of reach of the average wedding budget. These are weddings that are featured on blogs as the best of the best and their floral budgets alone may be half of what some couples' entire wedding costs are. I have had a significant struggle with wishing I could accommodate all the dreams and wishes of each and every client, and honestly, I've had a bad habit of sacrificing my own sanity and paycheck to make dreams come true. 

Finding a happy ground where budget meets inspiration is an ongoing challenge, but devaluing my work and passion is not going to cut it any longer.

Today I read a great blog post discussing realistic budgets vs. inspiration images and expectations written by Nancy Liu Chin. She does an excellent job of breaking down where and how all of the money is spent on floral design and decor. I encourage every bride-to-be or fellow wedding vendor to read it in it's entirety. 

You can click here for the post. And while I'm at it here is a little pie chart from Every Last Detail that is great visual aid.

delightfully yours,

Rochelle Leigh Wall

I have a secret...

...well, for many of you maybe it's not such a big secret... but I feel like I breathe a word of it, the potential of this dream I've been holding on to so tightly will vanish into the air it's spoken.

I have a great passion for floral design. And event (wedding) design and planning. This is no secret. But alas, financial responsibilities and fear have prevented me from being able to pursue my great passion, leaving me brokenhearted more often than not.

I sacrifice my sanity so we can have a lovely home. It's a balancing act, which tilts in the direction of stability and what has been "safe". And for a long time now I have been willing to do what I feel I must by maintaining a good paying and steady employment at a desk job that frankly does not suit me or my creative nature.

My imagination is a constant kaliedescope of blooms and ribbon as my fingers fly across the 10-keys. At times I feel numb... numb to this job that sometimes seems to drain me of my passion and inspiration. And so my whirring brain has been hatching a plan for some time now. A plan to escape what will perhaps inevitably will kill my soul. The mundane.

I've toyed with blogging more. But I lack the freedom and structure (yes, both) to be able to commit. I've taken on more brides this year than ever before, and my soul is soaring! But again my fear, and lack of professional training renders me doubtful in my skills. I need more exposure, but how?

Internship.

This is my big secret. This is the next step. I am certain of it. Now, I just need to commit and take that giant leap of which I am so fearful. Today marks a day that I have made a first big step towards my own freedom, by expressing my interest in an internship with an incredibly talented wedding floral designer.

And now I can barely breathe.

Do me a gigantic favor my dear friends and please cross your fingers and toes, and maybe even your eyes, for me.

delightfully yours,
Chelle xx

Today I am {Fiercely} Thankful



via: kourtneyrae



2012 is quickly reaching its pinnacle with Thanksgiving right around the corner, quickly followed by December birthdays-a-plenty, and of course, my favorite holiday, Christmas.

I have so much to be thankful for.

So much, in fact, I'm on the verge of tears as I type this... the gratitude that fills me is overwhelming, and I only wish there were some way I could express my thanks, and somehow repay all the love I've received.

Any idea how one accomplishes that?

Best I can do is love. Fiercely.

Today, I am thankful.

xoxo, Rochelle

If you don't like it, get out!

I’ve said it before in real life (and, I’m pretty sure I will say it again), if you don’t like what you see or hear: move on.

Periodically we are all subject to the conversations of others. You know, you're within earshot of a conversation, and you can't help but hear every word being spoken. It's not that you are trying to listen in or disrespect their privacy (but if they really meant their words to stay private, they wouldn't be spoken in the company of others, right?), but it's there, and it's difficult to tune out. Fairly recently, I was at an event, sitting nearby a couple ladies having one of these conversations that I couldn't help but hear. And what struck me about their conversation was not the fact that I could hear it, but that I couldn’t stop listening to the gossip and negative conversations they were sharing. They spent the better portion of an hour spewing poisonous words; putting down this person and that person, followed by their expressions of hatred towards their jobs (be thankful for your employment!), and frustrations with husbands and/or family. There was not ONE single positive thing these ladies had to say. I kid you not. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved. I changed seats, and I got up and walked around. I was now out of ear shot of them. I no longer had to listen to their gossipy mean chit-chat. I made my choice: move my butt, so I no longer had to listen to these ladies.

I did not enjoy hearing them. I didn't make a big spectacle of it, but I picked myself up, and moved on. I moved to the other side of the room. I am happy I did, because these ladies sat there for another hour: I did not hear that last hour… Thank goodness.

My point in sharing this (rather vague) story is: if you don’t like what you see or hear, get out of there. I’ve had my fair share of negative comments and feedback thrown my way (whatever, brush it off), but I still can’t understand why anyone would continue to go back to something they hate. Why would you want to continue to perpetuate a relationship or situation with a person who is, in your opinion, never interesting? Is it just so you can join in the gossip? (Yes.) Calling people ugly and stupid is fun? I don’t know.

There is no guarantee there will be no backlash from walking away, but for goodness' sake, do it for your own sanity.

I’ve been trying my best this year to move forward after experiencing a painful backlash, continuing to work on myself and be a better (and bigger) person. Then I hear mean words spoken by perfect strangers, and even experience snide attitudes… And, I feel the instinctive urge to start pulling away. Instead, I ignore the bad. As much as I want to watch the train wreck of emotions, I don't want to end up hurt, again, so I ignore. I block it out. I will ignore it and not support it. There will always be mean spirited people out there in the world with weird, random, unrealistic and hateful things to say about you, even under the 'guise of "advice" or "clearing the air", but I choose to look away and ignore the hurtful things people will say about me. 

I choose to accept the fact that maybe not everyone I meet will like me (believe me, that’s the hardest part. I don’t like to not be liked… Or, even hated). But, whatever. I know me. I am a good person. I do have some friends that truly enjoy me, and I enjoy them. I can’t win everyone over (even when I want to). But, do I really want to? I don't believe anyone likes negative/toxic friendships, especially me… and, I don’t put up with them. So, I think I’m glad I can’t win them all over.

I speak my mind. 

     Yes! I do. 

I do have high standards. 

     Yup, I do. 

Yes, I believe in people, and expect greatness from great people… I think it’s important to remain optimistic especially when so many negative influences are out there to bring us down. 

I have great faith in others. 

     I don’t hide the fact that I do. 

          Heck yeah! 

I forgive, but don't mistake my forgiveness as forgetfulness. 

     I don't make the same mistakes twice.  

           Holy crap! 

I am extremely loyal. 

     Yes! 

I am never mean.  

     Never. 

I am happy.  

     Yes, I have bad days (especially given the year I've had), but luckily, there are a lot fewer bad days when I ignore all the negativity. I can and will focus on the positive. <3 p="p">

I have the brain power to hit delete to those mean comments, and I make the choice to ignore all the negativity.

The true ugly: mean.

A Love Letter to My Little Angel

Pooh Bear, you are my favorite. You have a way of expressing life lessons in the most comforting way possible. 

I needed to experience these words, more than anyone will ever know.

...there is a huge hole in my heart, the size of the love I have for my son.

I am a mother without her child.

As you may, or may not know, this March my husband and I lost our pregnancy at 20 weeks. Four months ago, half-way through my pregnancy I gave birth to my 11 oz. baby boy, who was never able to take a breath of air, who never opened his eyes, who never cried his first tears.

Little Angel

I was given an angel,

To cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect,

A gift from above.

When I looked at his face

It was calmness I found,

And that peace seemed to spread

To all he was around.

His love touched my heart

Like fine threads of spun gold,

And I'd thank God for giving

This angel to hold.

But I did not know then

That time was my foe,

And too soon, with a whisper,

My angel did go.

My heart almost breaking,

A touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt

As it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel

To cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer

From Heaven above.

And though I can't see him

Or cuddle him tight,

I won't say goodbye,

Little Angel, goodnight.

My precious baby boy, this is my letter to you:

Dearest Son,

I will never forget the brief moments we shared together. 

The instant I saw you, I loved you, unconditionally. I felt your heart beat; I held your tiny hands, saw and kissed your face that strikingly resembled your father's. As you lay on my chest, close as you could be to my heart, I wept. I wept for the moments we will never have together, I wept for the relationship with you I had dreamed of, I wept because my heart could not contain the love I felt instantaneously for you.

My darling son, I know you are in heaven, observing your father and me grieve the loss of our first-born, grieving the fact that we are parents and cannot hold our child. The one reassurance we have during these sad moments is the promise from God that one day we will be reunited. 

from This Side of Heaven

We will have a chance to sit and laugh together, 

To take a walk, hand in hand. 

I'll kiss your face and tell you that I love you. 

And I might just shed a tear to hear you say 

That you love me, too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have you here.

To touch your cheek, tickle your toes

Bounce you on my knee, wipe your nose.

I longed to hear your first laugh and first words.

To see you take your first step.

To calm all your fears and wipe away any tears.

You will remain forever perfect in my eyes, and some how, some way, I will find the strength by the grace of God to move on, never forgetting, but learning how to live this life again, happy, without you.

I love you. Always.

~Mommy

This Sunday we will remember our son in the best way possible, cherish the moments we shared, and hopefully begin the process of closing the doors of hurt, and opening the doors of healing. Undoubtedly it will be a difficult day.

xoxo,

~Chelle

It's Positive Affirmation Wednesday!

{Feel Good}

{source}

I am officially dubbing Wednesdays as Positive Affirmation Day! As a woman, I know I need to hear that I am beautiful, appreciated, and valued. Sometimes hearing "I love you" from your partner just doesn't cut it... and we all know that often men aren't the most original with their word selections.

I know that other women need to hear positive affirmations too, and I know that hearing one word of kindness can often brighten someone's entire day, and sometimes {if it is really good} an entire week.

So, this morning I took some time, and messaged several of my friends with something I know to be true about them. To my best friend, I wrote:

"You are a selfless, caring friend,
and your joy is infectious. <3"

And you know what? I made her day... and it feels good to have been able to do that for someone I care about and love.

She made my day in return:

"You inspire me in so many ways, 

and I think about you and wish you were closer
every single day. X x x"

Awesome, right?

xoxo,

Chelle

Good {Girl}Friends

The number of close girlfriends I have has grown over the years. I used to feel alone and unwelcome in many social circles, but as I get older, I've learned that you have to be a friend to have a friend.

I went on a ladies weekend trip to Temecula with several of my closest friends last weekend. We stayed in an awesome house, ate good, healthy food, and drank awesome wine at two wineries. I was able to carpool with two of my closest girlfriends, and the conversation flowed.  We talked about toxic friendships, bettering good friendships, and the love that we feel for one another.

As many of you know, my best friend in the whole wide world lives 6,000 miles away from me. And while we chat online as frequently as we can, life gets in the way sometimes.  And those 6,000 miles distancing us does not make it easy to grab a coffee with your closest confidant and friend. I miss her. All the time. I long to have a closer friendship with her, and it literally hurts to not have my best friend nearer to me.

I have great friends that live locally.  In fact, they're all awesome and amazing. I love them like family. I have an incredible, loving, supportive, and caring husband that I love (and like). But these individuals cannot, somehow, fill the emptiness that my best friend, my soul mate can fill.

I loved connecting with two of my local girlfriends. They happen to be each others' best friends and soul mates, and they have an amazing relationship. And I envy the closeness they have. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, but I do envy the fact that they live in the same town as each other, hang out several times a week (most weeks), and can call each other day or night, and not have to worry about what the time difference is.

Sometimes I think my friends forget about me. Maybe they assume I'm too busy to hang out during the week (which is sometimes true), or assume I have some sort of awesome social life they don't know about, or maybe they think I'm not interested in hanging out one-on-one.  I know I am guilty of not extending invitations into my home more often. I worry about the state of cleanliness of my home. With 4 pets contributing to the mess, it can get pretty hairy (pun intended), and I get embarrassed. So, I know it's my fault for not inviting friends over.

But, on the other hand, I do not receive many invitations to come over. I feel uncomfortable just inviting myself. I imagine people get anxious (as I do) to have friends over when their house isn't clean, and they might feel like they have to entertain me. However, the high standards I have for my own cleanliness don't trickle down to those of my friends and family... I could care less. I just want to be able to laugh and chill with my friends.

I have other friends that have schedules that really just do not coincide with my own. I read one girlfriends' blog, and wish I could be a comfort to her in all the crap she's had to wade through in the last few months. When I get to see these friends, good times are had. But in between, they are just sooooo busy, and I think maybe I am just too distracted to pursue their ever-changing schedules. I hope that these friends know that I care about them, and though we can't see each other very often, I think about them frequently, and miss their faces. I hope to work on getting together with them when I can...

You know, I sometimes I think my own family forgets about me too. Strained as some of my relationships with my family are, I hope that my family and friends realize that I need them... maybe they need me too? Speaking of family, my poor husband got a text yesterday (3 days AFTER his birthday!) from his own father, wishing him a belated Happy Birthday. Really?  Come on, REALLY?  This frustrates me beyond measure, but I realize that he is still family, and I will continue to be gracious towards him, even though I think the way he has treated my husband (his first-born) is unacceptable.

After conversations with my two girlfriends in the car (and dancing in the kitchen) last weekend, I confided much in them, and they in me. I expressed that I would like to be included in their plans more frequently. I think the three of us get along so well, and have so much fun together, and I love that I have these girls in my life. I think that they understand me, and I cherish that.

But still, they are not my L... 

{If you read this L, know that I think about you all the time, and I am sorry things have been quiet between us. I know you will tell me that I am being silly, but know that I love you dearly, and miss you all the time. I am working to show you that I am interested in the changes that are occurring in your life, and care about what you are doing, and that circumstances of my life and loss do not need to change the dynamics of our friendship. I still want to know everything, and want you to know how much I will love your little boy. I am going to be an Auntie, and I cannot wait!}

xoxo,
~Chelle