A Love Letter to My Little Angel

Pooh Bear, you are my favorite. You have a way of expressing life lessons in the most comforting way possible. 

I needed to experience these words, more than anyone will ever know.

...there is a huge hole in my heart, the size of the love I have for my son.

I am a mother without her child.

As you may, or may not know, this March my husband and I lost our pregnancy at 20 weeks. Four months ago, half-way through my pregnancy I gave birth to my 11 oz. baby boy, who was never able to take a breath of air, who never opened his eyes, who never cried his first tears.

Little Angel

I was given an angel,

To cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect,

A gift from above.

When I looked at his face

It was calmness I found,

And that peace seemed to spread

To all he was around.

His love touched my heart

Like fine threads of spun gold,

And I'd thank God for giving

This angel to hold.

But I did not know then

That time was my foe,

And too soon, with a whisper,

My angel did go.

My heart almost breaking,

A touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt

As it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel

To cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer

From Heaven above.

And though I can't see him

Or cuddle him tight,

I won't say goodbye,

Little Angel, goodnight.

My precious baby boy, this is my letter to you:

Dearest Son,

I will never forget the brief moments we shared together. 

The instant I saw you, I loved you, unconditionally. I felt your heart beat; I held your tiny hands, saw and kissed your face that strikingly resembled your father's. As you lay on my chest, close as you could be to my heart, I wept. I wept for the moments we will never have together, I wept for the relationship with you I had dreamed of, I wept because my heart could not contain the love I felt instantaneously for you.

My darling son, I know you are in heaven, observing your father and me grieve the loss of our first-born, grieving the fact that we are parents and cannot hold our child. The one reassurance we have during these sad moments is the promise from God that one day we will be reunited. 

from This Side of Heaven

We will have a chance to sit and laugh together, 

To take a walk, hand in hand. 

I'll kiss your face and tell you that I love you. 

And I might just shed a tear to hear you say 

That you love me, too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have you here.

To touch your cheek, tickle your toes

Bounce you on my knee, wipe your nose.

I longed to hear your first laugh and first words.

To see you take your first step.

To calm all your fears and wipe away any tears.

You will remain forever perfect in my eyes, and some how, some way, I will find the strength by the grace of God to move on, never forgetting, but learning how to live this life again, happy, without you.

I love you. Always.

~Mommy

This Sunday we will remember our son in the best way possible, cherish the moments we shared, and hopefully begin the process of closing the doors of hurt, and opening the doors of healing. Undoubtedly it will be a difficult day.

xoxo,

~Chelle

Weekend Recap

{absence makes the heart grow fonder}




So folks, it's been QUITE a while since my last post...

I am determined to blog {more} frequently. Seriously. Doing it. Starting now.

This weekend was a major whirlwind. Husband was on a manly camping trip with his manly friends, which left me and all my wife-friends home, alone. So, I had many opportunities to visit lots of my good girlfriends. Which was awesome. I love my girls.

Friday night was both awesome and awful. I'll explain.

My doula invited me to attend an informative meeting on cloth diapering. Which I'm really in to. Which I am now 100% sold on doing when we have kids. It was awesome to see my doula again after a few months. I am a little jealous of her gi-normous home.

Being at home alone overnight is awful. My husband and I do not do well apart from each other. They say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", which I guess is true to an extent, but what if the fondness is already at max? I know I'm a lucky girl. A loving marriage where we mutually appreciate and like each other is nothing to shrug at.

Saturday was lovely, and long. At a lovely, casual baby shower we attended, I got to hang out with my little friend Si and his lovely Mommy! We sat on the lawn and played and fed little Si, soaking in the warmth and the dappled sunlight.  Swoon.

In the evening I met my fellow wife-friends for a small dinner, and gorgeous wine. We sat outside and chatted until the warm early-summer sun set and into twilight. Double swoon.

Even after all that I still wasn't tired. Didn't fall asleep until 2:45. Pure torture, I tell ya.

So, instead of sleeping, I finished my home organization binder!

Sunday - Church with Amy. Good message. I cried during worship, per usual. I feel God working in me constantly. The stagnation in my faith I have felt for the last few years is disappearing, and it feels amazingly good.

Arrived home after church to a freshly scrubbed-off-the-weekend's-manly-dirt-and-grime husband. His arms were so warm and welcoming. Man, I am such a baby without him.

Husband and I both craved salads for lunch, so we tried a restaurant we had never been to before, and I ordered the spinach salad with warm bacon dressing.  Can we say yumm? I was not disappointed!

The evening brought me to book nook... good times with good girlfriends discussing many topics unrelated to the reading material. Ha! We made note of the solar eclipse and remembered to not stare directly at the sun. Freaky how the sky darkens just enough to produce an ominous feeling, right?

I slept so well last night. So glad to have my wonderful husband home.

Happy Monday!

xoxo,
~Chelle