Dreaming... and doing

What's next?

This very specific question both motivates and terrifies me, to this day. I still sometimes doubt I know how to answer it. How am I supposed to know what to focus on next? How can I decide between the thousands of possible next steps? And what if (heaven forbid), I end up choosing the wrong next step, and totally and completely ruin my entire life and business?

I'm learning. Very slowly that there's no such thing as a "wrong" step forward.

In fact, each step forward is a part of the process. Which is exactly why I have to stop waiting. I can no longer afford to wait.

To wait for the perfect:

• time to quit my job
• client to show up
• praise to come in
• opportunity to grow

Because waiting isn't the answer. I've been waiting for years. It's still not the answer.

Doing it, even though it's scary (and perhaps even despite bad timing) is the answer. Because, waiting (even though it's always sounded safer), has only ever delayed success. 

And I'm really tired of being unsuccessful in something I know I will have abundant success.

I'm ready for action, ready for change. Ready to delight! Watch me do it!

delightfully yours,

Rochelle

A Letter of Love

Remember this commercial?

It's useless to fight back the tears. 

In my humble opinion, these moments are what being a parent is all about. Surely there's nothing like parenthood and being so in love with all the little things your child does day in and day out. I love Emily for her impeccable sense of style, and now her positive outlook on motherhood. Not everyone can have her glowing attitude. I have no expectations that my own experiences will be easy in any way but my understanding and hope remain that it's the moments in life that make the impossible somehow bearable; the sleepless nights, forgettable.

For many years now I have been a privileged witness to families growing around me. Regularly I receive precious videos and photos of my beyond cute godson that make me giggle and swoon. It's hard not to fall in love with the adorable kiddos in my life. Our nephews are growing so quickly; friends kiddos are no longer the cute, chubster-drooling-machine-babbling-babies they were only briefly, but are suddenly walking and talking little people with awesome personalities. I feel like I've blinked and too much time has gone by; I can only imagine how their parents must feel!

Someone said to me the other day that I have a lovely home that is admired by many because I don't have a family to care for. While this is true, this comment caught me a little off-guard, and my immediate reaction was to be offended. Yes, I've had the freedom of not having a family with my loving Jim for 10 years now. Meanwhile we've built a life for ourselves, but our desire to have a family of our own has been present for a very long time. We love our home, but despite it being nicely decorated and filled with love and our own menagerie of fur-children, it's still somehow felt e-m-p-t-y. We have wanted a family for so long, and also been deprived of having our own children for years now - not having a family hasn't been for lack of trying.

Truth be told, there have been serious pangs of jealousy. Having faced one misscarriage, the pre-term birth of our son, and many many cycles of no plus sign on the stick, I had honestly begun to lose hope that as a 32 year old woman, I would ever conceive and carry a child to full-term. I'd witnessed so many families grow in love over the years, and I couldn't help but be a little jealous of their luck.

But last December, the day after meeting up with a dear friend to enjoy drinks and dinner celebrating our birthdays, I decided that I’d been feeling weird for too many days, and without telling Jim, I went to the drug store during my lunch break to purchase a pregnancy test. When I got home I fumbled with the packaging, followed all the steps, and then I immediately went to occupy myself elsewhere. I tried to make dinner but my hands were shaking. Even though I new the symptoms I was feeling were familiar, I had convinced myself so many other times that similar feelings meant I was pregnant, only to have the test (and later, mother nature) confirm otherwise. Nervous as I was, I looked down, and there were were the words "Pregnant".

The rest of the hours I waited for Jim to come home were a blur. I know I cried in disbelief, and I recall trying to come up with a clever way of sharing the news with Jim. I settled on not saying a word, but walking him straight into the bathroom to see the results for himself as soon as he walked in the door. He knew I had been feeling "off", but I think when he found out he was still in shock. It took both of us months to calm to the point where we believed this pregnancy was actually going to stick, and weeks later, a surgery to have a cerclage (a cervical stitch) put in place finally gave us the assurance we felt we needed to let ourselves be excited about this pregnancy.

Little one growing in my belly: I feel you. I see you move. It's surreal seeing your elbows and knees move across my belly, and to feel you roll against my insides. It's a miracle, and every second you continue to grow is such a joy to witness. As you grow, I'm watching you stretch the limits of my own skin. Yet, I know that your life will continue to stretch me in ways and limits I won't even know I can be stretched to. I know that my patience and grace will be stretched to capacity, knowledge and understanding will grow and expand, theories and parenting practices will be tried and tested to the limit. My love, however, will never need stretching, because it will always be limitless and unconditional. Your father and I already love you so much, and we don't even know your name. But we do know that you are ours, and that you ALWAYS will be, no matter what.

I can't wait to meet you, to hear you take your first breath, to see your little face, to touch your skin, to have you hear me tell you repeatedly how much I love and adore you, and someday to hear you say it back. 

I can't wait to be your Mommy.

Do you feel this way?

I’ll be 32 in just a few weeks.

I don’t have any problems with the age, per se. I live a fairly typical 32-year-old life, and a pretty good one at that. From the outside, I look, talk and live like a 30-something year old woman.

What I’m concerned about is that maybe on the inside I’m not where I picture a woman of my age to be.

Confident. Graceful. Sure. Settled.

In my mind, a 32-year-old doesn’t worry about what others think. She isn’t insecure. She isn’t confused or weak and certainly doesn’t question where she’s headed, or what life has in store for her. She’s got her act together and is the picture of ladylike poise.

And yet, here I sit, 6 weeks away from that confident, graceful, sure and settled ideal, feeling so very far from it.

Have you ever felt this way?

Recently I read this post about twirling – that act of pushing off everything that hinders (insecurities, failures, aspirations) and dancing through life knowing that we are loved. Not because we are doing everything right, or because we have it all together, but because He first loved us. It’s so much less about the actual dancing (a cheesy metaphor for living life) and more about the heart in knowing we are delightfully and perfectly made, just as we are.

Twirl.

So this is what bothers me: I’m nearly 32, certainly old enough both in years and in my own personal faith in Jesus to conceptually understand all this. To live this. To let go of those stupid insecurities about not being good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, successful enough… and just believe what I know to be true: that each and every one of us are exceptionally talented, created for a unique purpose and most of all, accepted through grace just as we are and not for who we ought to be.

I’ve been in a weird spot over the last year or so, plugging away, but not really sure of where I’m headed. What are my goals? What is my dream of all dreams? It’s all been a bit cloudy and unclear and so I found myself looking around at what others were doing thinking maybe that’s where I would find the answers.

She’s writing a book - I should write a book!

She’s selling all of her possessions and touring the country - I should do that!

She's got three kids, a mansion, and works from home - I should have all that by now too!

She’s (fill-in-the-blank) - I should (fill-in-the-blank)!

Unfortunately, all this did was perpetuate my confusion and frustration and bury me further in the comparison pit (a place I know all too well). We've visited this concept several times here on the blog...

... but, have you ever been there?

I’ve spent these past few months quietly praying, looking for clues, waiting and waiting and the clearest answer just came to me clear out of the blue driving home one day a few weeks ago.

I'm not certain if it was the song I was listening to, or if my train of thought just kept chugging along without me, but as I sat in the driver’s seat, I envisioned a beautiful ballet of life play out before me. And all these fears about not being good enough, not doing it right, unsure, unsettled, afraid of what others will think – suddenly I realized just how much time I’ve been wasting. I’m hiding my head under a silly paper bag watching the world fly by while everyone else does their lovely twirls and spins.

It was then that I heard this little whisper in my soul: Rochelle, do your thing.

That’s it.

Just do your thing.

That’s the answer. And it’s ridiculously simple.

Twirl.

Twirling is about unashamed dancing. It’s about delighting in our femininity. It’s about accepting God’s absolutely profound love and finding freedom. But it’s also about just doing our thing. Not only being who we are, but actually celebrating who we are. It’s a quiet confidence. Graceful presence. Living out our unique talents, seeing the beauty within each of us and sharing it with one another.

The best thing about it is that there is no magical age when it appears. I’ve been wrong all this time about that. This confidence, grace, assuredness, is available to all of us, at any age, for as long as we choose.

I love that.

I’ll be 32 in a few weeks and while I am not the picture of confidence and maturity that I envision, I feel like I’ve made a big step in that direction. I’m so tired of the insecurities. I don’t want to live with this ugly striving and unsettled discontentment. I want the freedom to do my thing. As clunky as it may be or as graceful as it be become, I just want to be who God made me to be, share my life, love and live well.

I want to twirl.

You too?

Can I be your support team - your positive reinforcement? Can you be mine?

Be encouraged, wherever you are today, that you are wonderful. You are uniquely talented. You are valuable. And because of Jesus’ great love for you, you are deemed enough.

Now, just do your thing.

Misery is Good. Enjoy it while it lasts...

Some weeks are arguably easier and smoother to get through than others. When I have something to look forward to I have momentum to push me through boringboredom. Like planning a wedding, it's an extended period of time rushing and planning and then executing this thing you've been building up in your head... and then... it's over.

Just like that. All the hoopla, joy, satisfaction, attention... gone. Like a rug has been pulled out from underneath you. And you're stuck again with the same old crap.

It must be what a drug addict feels like — endlessly searching for that high, the adrenaline that comes with temporary fame and glory. And then the huge letdown, the crash, until it begins again. Life is cyclical.

"Fame is fleeting. Obscurity is forever. I’ll take obscurity."
- Napolean

I have a full-time job, a husband, and a hundred responsibilities: there is never a shortage of bills to pay, or clothes to wash, or dishes to clean, or thank-you notes to write, and phone calls to make, and meals to artfully craft, etc. I rush back home at six every night to let out the dog, feed the fur-kids, and I sometimes just want it all to stop for a moment so I can breathe, so I can escape and feel free.

Eleven years ago, I broke off my engagement to my long-term boyfriend and my whole life fell on my head. With him I had spent several years drifting around town rootlessly, eating only top Ramen and other disgusting processed foods and living in 10 x 10 x 6' attic rooms with little else than a mattress to my name. All I wanted was security, a family, a place to call home. I fantasized about it — the nice house, the nice husband, kids, blah blah blah. For a long time I let myself believe that he could be that nice husband, yet in this relationship I felt truly pathetic, lonely and unloved.

As I’m writing this now, I’m realizing that it was actually an amazing time. There is something really beautiful about not knowing which f*ing end is up and where you belong.

These days, I am really far from being a homeless drifter urchin. Being settled — as a wife with a career and a home of my own — was all I wanted for years and years. And trust me when I say that I am so incredibly grateful, and that I believe that the work we've put in has been worth the while. But I’d be lying if I said I didn't miss the days when I had none of it. There was something really light about those very dark times.

I'm a dreamer. I'm also a jealous girl of those who seem to have it all. Career, family, friends, and still manage to have fun. I have to constantly remind myself...

I dream of leaving this security for the freedom of managing myself — being disciplined enough to be successful on my own terms, and without the 'grownups' breathing down my neck about deadlines I couldn't care less about. It's a-l-m-o-s-t within reach... and it feels like it just might be my time.

Friends, keep on keeping on down the long, long road. Enjoy your single life while you can. The heartbreaks, the pain, the sucky, confusing, horrible-ness of it all. Surf the couches, feel the pain, wear the heels, cry your eyes out, spend all day in the dark thinking only about youyouyou. Work your heart to it’s core and discover who you really are deep down inside. Then do it all again. You’ll find your way in this life when it’s time.

xoxo,
Chelle

Contentment

Via

Lately I've been struggling with contentment and just being a grateful person. I always want more.  I want to achieve more, I want to do more. Not necessarily make a ton of money, though that would be nice. I just want recognition. I feel like a big greedy ingrate! 

I realize that I need a heart check.  What does contentment look like in my life? I need to allow myself to enjoy what I've been blessed with and what I've achieved, especially recently. I don't know what it is in me that feels I need to always be doing more and can never find peace or contentment. Maybe it's some deeper issues with parents, approval, etc. But that's a discussion for another time. ;-)

Please don't get me wrong - I know we have so much to be thankful for. Our beautiful house that we live in and a growing business of my own - we are blessed and give thanks daily. But I think this blog community I find myself in - the one in which I read all the blogs out there and see all the fabulous things other bloggers are doing - it can be easy to fall into this feeling of "wanting more" and it never being enough. Feelings associated with comparison. discontentment. jealousy - all these are so so dangerous. Or maybe it's just me.

Hope you don't mind me sharing some of these personal things that have been on my mind ... But I am curious to get your thoughts on the subject. Do you struggle with being content? Being thankful? If not,  please tell us your secrets! How do you remind yourself to be thankful or keep yourself in check when you start to compare? Thanks for reading today friends.

delightfully yours,

Rochelle xx

Bravery

Via

The Disney version of bravery includes fighting off bears, and fearlessly wielding a bow and arrow, but does bravery really require looking danger straight in the face while maintaining a steady, calm heartbeat? Does bravery require taking risky moves, or could simply taking baby steps outside your comfort zone be considered bravery?

We've touched on the power of fear previously my valid concerns or fears of failure, and - what I yearn to accomplish in my life. This year, after taking small steps over time to establish my own business, I've learned that with experience, things that seemed impossible once become second nature and can yield significant results, and I've been learning that if you want something bad enough, the small steps you take to break out of your comfort zone expand your horizons.

Perhaps through experience we become somewhat immune to the fear, however, I know I must remind myself to not let new experiences cripple me with fear and anxiety, but rather re-focus them as opportunities to succeed.

Via

I must remind myself that perfection does not necessarily yield success. Sometimes things go awry, and we learn from these trying moments. And under the bigger umbrella, these trying lessons only help us to grow and learn, and should not impact your memories of an otherwise positive experience. Likewise, de-valuing my work for whatever reason will only demonstrate to others that my work is not of value. Therefore, assigning fair value is the most important part of business. If my efforts are not valued, then why bother in the first place? After all, no one likes being taken advantage of. AmIright?

Delightfully yours,
Rochelle

I have a secret...

...well, for many of you maybe it's not such a big secret... but I feel like I breathe a word of it, the potential of this dream I've been holding on to so tightly will vanish into the air it's spoken.

I have a great passion for floral design. And event (wedding) design and planning. This is no secret. But alas, financial responsibilities and fear have prevented me from being able to pursue my great passion, leaving me brokenhearted more often than not.

I sacrifice my sanity so we can have a lovely home. It's a balancing act, which tilts in the direction of stability and what has been "safe". And for a long time now I have been willing to do what I feel I must by maintaining a good paying and steady employment at a desk job that frankly does not suit me or my creative nature.

My imagination is a constant kaliedescope of blooms and ribbon as my fingers fly across the 10-keys. At times I feel numb... numb to this job that sometimes seems to drain me of my passion and inspiration. And so my whirring brain has been hatching a plan for some time now. A plan to escape what will perhaps inevitably will kill my soul. The mundane.

I've toyed with blogging more. But I lack the freedom and structure (yes, both) to be able to commit. I've taken on more brides this year than ever before, and my soul is soaring! But again my fear, and lack of professional training renders me doubtful in my skills. I need more exposure, but how?

Internship.

This is my big secret. This is the next step. I am certain of it. Now, I just need to commit and take that giant leap of which I am so fearful. Today marks a day that I have made a first big step towards my own freedom, by expressing my interest in an internship with an incredibly talented wedding floral designer.

And now I can barely breathe.

Do me a gigantic favor my dear friends and please cross your fingers and toes, and maybe even your eyes, for me.

delightfully yours,
Chelle xx