Do you feel this way?

I’ll be 32 in just a few weeks.

I don’t have any problems with the age, per se. I live a fairly typical 32-year-old life, and a pretty good one at that. From the outside, I look, talk and live like a 30-something year old woman.

What I’m concerned about is that maybe on the inside I’m not where I picture a woman of my age to be.

Confident. Graceful. Sure. Settled.

In my mind, a 32-year-old doesn’t worry about what others think. She isn’t insecure. She isn’t confused or weak and certainly doesn’t question where she’s headed, or what life has in store for her. She’s got her act together and is the picture of ladylike poise.

And yet, here I sit, 6 weeks away from that confident, graceful, sure and settled ideal, feeling so very far from it.

Have you ever felt this way?

Recently I read this post about twirling – that act of pushing off everything that hinders (insecurities, failures, aspirations) and dancing through life knowing that we are loved. Not because we are doing everything right, or because we have it all together, but because He first loved us. It’s so much less about the actual dancing (a cheesy metaphor for living life) and more about the heart in knowing we are delightfully and perfectly made, just as we are.

Twirl.

So this is what bothers me: I’m nearly 32, certainly old enough both in years and in my own personal faith in Jesus to conceptually understand all this. To live this. To let go of those stupid insecurities about not being good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, successful enough… and just believe what I know to be true: that each and every one of us are exceptionally talented, created for a unique purpose and most of all, accepted through grace just as we are and not for who we ought to be.

I’ve been in a weird spot over the last year or so, plugging away, but not really sure of where I’m headed. What are my goals? What is my dream of all dreams? It’s all been a bit cloudy and unclear and so I found myself looking around at what others were doing thinking maybe that’s where I would find the answers.

She’s writing a book - I should write a book!

She’s selling all of her possessions and touring the country - I should do that!

She's got three kids, a mansion, and works from home - I should have all that by now too!

She’s (fill-in-the-blank) - I should (fill-in-the-blank)!

Unfortunately, all this did was perpetuate my confusion and frustration and bury me further in the comparison pit (a place I know all too well). We've visited this concept several times here on the blog...

... but, have you ever been there?

I’ve spent these past few months quietly praying, looking for clues, waiting and waiting and the clearest answer just came to me clear out of the blue driving home one day a few weeks ago.

I'm not certain if it was the song I was listening to, or if my train of thought just kept chugging along without me, but as I sat in the driver’s seat, I envisioned a beautiful ballet of life play out before me. And all these fears about not being good enough, not doing it right, unsure, unsettled, afraid of what others will think – suddenly I realized just how much time I’ve been wasting. I’m hiding my head under a silly paper bag watching the world fly by while everyone else does their lovely twirls and spins.

It was then that I heard this little whisper in my soul: Rochelle, do your thing.

That’s it.

Just do your thing.

That’s the answer. And it’s ridiculously simple.

Twirl.

Twirling is about unashamed dancing. It’s about delighting in our femininity. It’s about accepting God’s absolutely profound love and finding freedom. But it’s also about just doing our thing. Not only being who we are, but actually celebrating who we are. It’s a quiet confidence. Graceful presence. Living out our unique talents, seeing the beauty within each of us and sharing it with one another.

The best thing about it is that there is no magical age when it appears. I’ve been wrong all this time about that. This confidence, grace, assuredness, is available to all of us, at any age, for as long as we choose.

I love that.

I’ll be 32 in a few weeks and while I am not the picture of confidence and maturity that I envision, I feel like I’ve made a big step in that direction. I’m so tired of the insecurities. I don’t want to live with this ugly striving and unsettled discontentment. I want the freedom to do my thing. As clunky as it may be or as graceful as it be become, I just want to be who God made me to be, share my life, love and live well.

I want to twirl.

You too?

Can I be your support team - your positive reinforcement? Can you be mine?

Be encouraged, wherever you are today, that you are wonderful. You are uniquely talented. You are valuable. And because of Jesus’ great love for you, you are deemed enough.

Now, just do your thing.

A touchy subject

Budgets: we all have them. They are a much talked about subject not only in the wedding industry, but in life, and at times can be a bit difficult to make ends meet. More often than not, budgets aren't ideally where we would want them to be in life and for weddings. It is therefore so important when planning an event for both the clients and vendors to find the right fit. 

I wish I could make every bride-to-be's Pinterest dream wedding come true but most of the inspiration images I get are far out of reach of the average wedding budget. These are weddings that are featured on blogs as the best of the best and their floral budgets alone may be half of what some couples' entire wedding costs are. I have had a significant struggle with wishing I could accommodate all the dreams and wishes of each and every client, and honestly, I've had a bad habit of sacrificing my own sanity and paycheck to make dreams come true. 

Finding a happy ground where budget meets inspiration is an ongoing challenge, but devaluing my work and passion is not going to cut it any longer.

Today I read a great blog post discussing realistic budgets vs. inspiration images and expectations written by Nancy Liu Chin. She does an excellent job of breaking down where and how all of the money is spent on floral design and decor. I encourage every bride-to-be or fellow wedding vendor to read it in it's entirety. 

You can click here for the post. And while I'm at it here is a little pie chart from Every Last Detail that is great visual aid.

delightfully yours,

Rochelle Leigh Wall

I have a secret...

...well, for many of you maybe it's not such a big secret... but I feel like I breathe a word of it, the potential of this dream I've been holding on to so tightly will vanish into the air it's spoken.

I have a great passion for floral design. And event (wedding) design and planning. This is no secret. But alas, financial responsibilities and fear have prevented me from being able to pursue my great passion, leaving me brokenhearted more often than not.

I sacrifice my sanity so we can have a lovely home. It's a balancing act, which tilts in the direction of stability and what has been "safe". And for a long time now I have been willing to do what I feel I must by maintaining a good paying and steady employment at a desk job that frankly does not suit me or my creative nature.

My imagination is a constant kaliedescope of blooms and ribbon as my fingers fly across the 10-keys. At times I feel numb... numb to this job that sometimes seems to drain me of my passion and inspiration. And so my whirring brain has been hatching a plan for some time now. A plan to escape what will perhaps inevitably will kill my soul. The mundane.

I've toyed with blogging more. But I lack the freedom and structure (yes, both) to be able to commit. I've taken on more brides this year than ever before, and my soul is soaring! But again my fear, and lack of professional training renders me doubtful in my skills. I need more exposure, but how?

Internship.

This is my big secret. This is the next step. I am certain of it. Now, I just need to commit and take that giant leap of which I am so fearful. Today marks a day that I have made a first big step towards my own freedom, by expressing my interest in an internship with an incredibly talented wedding floral designer.

And now I can barely breathe.

Do me a gigantic favor my dear friends and please cross your fingers and toes, and maybe even your eyes, for me.

delightfully yours,
Chelle xx

It's Positive Affirmation Wednesday!

{Feel Good}

{source}

I am officially dubbing Wednesdays as Positive Affirmation Day! As a woman, I know I need to hear that I am beautiful, appreciated, and valued. Sometimes hearing "I love you" from your partner just doesn't cut it... and we all know that often men aren't the most original with their word selections.

I know that other women need to hear positive affirmations too, and I know that hearing one word of kindness can often brighten someone's entire day, and sometimes {if it is really good} an entire week.

So, this morning I took some time, and messaged several of my friends with something I know to be true about them. To my best friend, I wrote:

"You are a selfless, caring friend,
and your joy is infectious. <3"

And you know what? I made her day... and it feels good to have been able to do that for someone I care about and love.

She made my day in return:

"You inspire me in so many ways, 

and I think about you and wish you were closer
every single day. X x x"

Awesome, right?

xoxo,

Chelle

Good {Girl}Friends

The number of close girlfriends I have has grown over the years. I used to feel alone and unwelcome in many social circles, but as I get older, I've learned that you have to be a friend to have a friend.

I went on a ladies weekend trip to Temecula with several of my closest friends last weekend. We stayed in an awesome house, ate good, healthy food, and drank awesome wine at two wineries. I was able to carpool with two of my closest girlfriends, and the conversation flowed.  We talked about toxic friendships, bettering good friendships, and the love that we feel for one another.

As many of you know, my best friend in the whole wide world lives 6,000 miles away from me. And while we chat online as frequently as we can, life gets in the way sometimes.  And those 6,000 miles distancing us does not make it easy to grab a coffee with your closest confidant and friend. I miss her. All the time. I long to have a closer friendship with her, and it literally hurts to not have my best friend nearer to me.

I have great friends that live locally.  In fact, they're all awesome and amazing. I love them like family. I have an incredible, loving, supportive, and caring husband that I love (and like). But these individuals cannot, somehow, fill the emptiness that my best friend, my soul mate can fill.

I loved connecting with two of my local girlfriends. They happen to be each others' best friends and soul mates, and they have an amazing relationship. And I envy the closeness they have. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, but I do envy the fact that they live in the same town as each other, hang out several times a week (most weeks), and can call each other day or night, and not have to worry about what the time difference is.

Sometimes I think my friends forget about me. Maybe they assume I'm too busy to hang out during the week (which is sometimes true), or assume I have some sort of awesome social life they don't know about, or maybe they think I'm not interested in hanging out one-on-one.  I know I am guilty of not extending invitations into my home more often. I worry about the state of cleanliness of my home. With 4 pets contributing to the mess, it can get pretty hairy (pun intended), and I get embarrassed. So, I know it's my fault for not inviting friends over.

But, on the other hand, I do not receive many invitations to come over. I feel uncomfortable just inviting myself. I imagine people get anxious (as I do) to have friends over when their house isn't clean, and they might feel like they have to entertain me. However, the high standards I have for my own cleanliness don't trickle down to those of my friends and family... I could care less. I just want to be able to laugh and chill with my friends.

I have other friends that have schedules that really just do not coincide with my own. I read one girlfriends' blog, and wish I could be a comfort to her in all the crap she's had to wade through in the last few months. When I get to see these friends, good times are had. But in between, they are just sooooo busy, and I think maybe I am just too distracted to pursue their ever-changing schedules. I hope that these friends know that I care about them, and though we can't see each other very often, I think about them frequently, and miss their faces. I hope to work on getting together with them when I can...

You know, I sometimes I think my own family forgets about me too. Strained as some of my relationships with my family are, I hope that my family and friends realize that I need them... maybe they need me too? Speaking of family, my poor husband got a text yesterday (3 days AFTER his birthday!) from his own father, wishing him a belated Happy Birthday. Really?  Come on, REALLY?  This frustrates me beyond measure, but I realize that he is still family, and I will continue to be gracious towards him, even though I think the way he has treated my husband (his first-born) is unacceptable.

After conversations with my two girlfriends in the car (and dancing in the kitchen) last weekend, I confided much in them, and they in me. I expressed that I would like to be included in their plans more frequently. I think the three of us get along so well, and have so much fun together, and I love that I have these girls in my life. I think that they understand me, and I cherish that.

But still, they are not my L... 

{If you read this L, know that I think about you all the time, and I am sorry things have been quiet between us. I know you will tell me that I am being silly, but know that I love you dearly, and miss you all the time. I am working to show you that I am interested in the changes that are occurring in your life, and care about what you are doing, and that circumstances of my life and loss do not need to change the dynamics of our friendship. I still want to know everything, and want you to know how much I will love your little boy. I am going to be an Auntie, and I cannot wait!}

xoxo,
~Chelle

Because... I'm Awesome!

{i did it!}

Thank you to those of you that have provided so much encouragement and support to me recently. I cannot express what the support of my friends means to me. {Tear.}

I've done it... begun a new blog on organization, and I could not be more excited!  Take a look here!

xoxo,

~Chelle

Fresh perspective

{blog update}

 

I spotted this beautiful poster on Pinterest a few weeks ago, designed by Emily Ley. 

I've been holding onto this quote, revisiting it periodically, re-finding inspiration. 

Rather than aiming for perfection, let's try grace. 

Feel the weight lifting already? I know. It's amazing, right?

Thank you Emily for unwittingly providing me with such inspiration!

xoxo
~Chelle

Reflections, Revelations and Resolutions

{Happy New Year!} 

With the fresh start we are so graciously granted in our minds each New Year, we have the opportunity to reflect on our previous year, and decide what goals we have for the coming 365 days.  I'm not one to make the traditional New Year's Resolutions like "lose weight" or "read more" that often fizzle out by the end of February, but this year after much self reflection and observation and inspiration, I have come to only one conclusion: I am the only one that can prevent my happiness, so in 2011 my resolution is to not stand in the way of my true happiness, but to offer it encouragement.

Overall, the later part of my twenties have been years of profound growth; each year I learn a bit more about who I am, what I stand for, and what I will tolerate.  At times I have felt like the victim of someone else's negative energy, doomed to suffer in order to make it out on the other side.  With a little inspiration from a great quote from a movie, I've learned that the moral of the story is, "It's not the power of the curse, it's the power you give the curse".

I reserve the right to the following curse-debilitating choices:

•  remove myself from the toxic influence of everything that would attempt to bring me down.

•  say Sianara! to the Negative Nancy's, and all of the influences effecting my choice of a positive state of mind or cause me to doubt myself.  

• pursue my dreams, and let nothing stand in my way.  

•  say Welcome! to my supporters, cohorts and the positive energy and love that really is surrounding me.  

I am the only one that can control what it is I chose to focus on, and the outcome of the choices I make.

Likewise, I have learned yet again that good friends are hard to come by, and therefore all the more worth keeping.  I will support and love them the way they do me, be a loyal, listening ear of comfort when times are challenging, and a positive light of inspiration whenever I can!  I have the wonderful ability to choose who will influence me, and the wonderful people that are a part of my life today make life that much more special, memorable, and joyful.  My next step is to just keep going, all the while finding ways to demonstrate my gratitude for all those and that which I have been blessed.

This natural high on life has been an active, yet easy choice, and declaring it aloud I hope will keep me accountable.  I am starting afresh in 2011, rising even higher, reaching for those dreams and goals, treasuring all that I have and those that I love... those that keep me grounded, make me laugh, keep me sane, and inspire me!

Here's to a new start and a refreshed perspective!  xx