A Letter of Love

Remember this commercial?

It's useless to fight back the tears. 

In my humble opinion, these moments are what being a parent is all about. Surely there's nothing like parenthood and being so in love with all the little things your child does day in and day out. I love Emily for her impeccable sense of style, and now her positive outlook on motherhood. Not everyone can have her glowing attitude. I have no expectations that my own experiences will be easy in any way but my understanding and hope remain that it's the moments in life that make the impossible somehow bearable; the sleepless nights, forgettable.

For many years now I have been a privileged witness to families growing around me. Regularly I receive precious videos and photos of my beyond cute godson that make me giggle and swoon. It's hard not to fall in love with the adorable kiddos in my life. Our nephews are growing so quickly; friends kiddos are no longer the cute, chubster-drooling-machine-babbling-babies they were only briefly, but are suddenly walking and talking little people with awesome personalities. I feel like I've blinked and too much time has gone by; I can only imagine how their parents must feel!

Someone said to me the other day that I have a lovely home that is admired by many because I don't have a family to care for. While this is true, this comment caught me a little off-guard, and my immediate reaction was to be offended. Yes, I've had the freedom of not having a family with my loving Jim for 10 years now. Meanwhile we've built a life for ourselves, but our desire to have a family of our own has been present for a very long time. We love our home, but despite it being nicely decorated and filled with love and our own menagerie of fur-children, it's still somehow felt e-m-p-t-y. We have wanted a family for so long, and also been deprived of having our own children for years now - not having a family hasn't been for lack of trying.

Truth be told, there have been serious pangs of jealousy. Having faced one misscarriage, the pre-term birth of our son, and many many cycles of no plus sign on the stick, I had honestly begun to lose hope that as a 32 year old woman, I would ever conceive and carry a child to full-term. I'd witnessed so many families grow in love over the years, and I couldn't help but be a little jealous of their luck.

But last December, the day after meeting up with a dear friend to enjoy drinks and dinner celebrating our birthdays, I decided that I’d been feeling weird for too many days, and without telling Jim, I went to the drug store during my lunch break to purchase a pregnancy test. When I got home I fumbled with the packaging, followed all the steps, and then I immediately went to occupy myself elsewhere. I tried to make dinner but my hands were shaking. Even though I new the symptoms I was feeling were familiar, I had convinced myself so many other times that similar feelings meant I was pregnant, only to have the test (and later, mother nature) confirm otherwise. Nervous as I was, I looked down, and there were were the words "Pregnant".

The rest of the hours I waited for Jim to come home were a blur. I know I cried in disbelief, and I recall trying to come up with a clever way of sharing the news with Jim. I settled on not saying a word, but walking him straight into the bathroom to see the results for himself as soon as he walked in the door. He knew I had been feeling "off", but I think when he found out he was still in shock. It took both of us months to calm to the point where we believed this pregnancy was actually going to stick, and weeks later, a surgery to have a cerclage (a cervical stitch) put in place finally gave us the assurance we felt we needed to let ourselves be excited about this pregnancy.

Little one growing in my belly: I feel you. I see you move. It's surreal seeing your elbows and knees move across my belly, and to feel you roll against my insides. It's a miracle, and every second you continue to grow is such a joy to witness. As you grow, I'm watching you stretch the limits of my own skin. Yet, I know that your life will continue to stretch me in ways and limits I won't even know I can be stretched to. I know that my patience and grace will be stretched to capacity, knowledge and understanding will grow and expand, theories and parenting practices will be tried and tested to the limit. My love, however, will never need stretching, because it will always be limitless and unconditional. Your father and I already love you so much, and we don't even know your name. But we do know that you are ours, and that you ALWAYS will be, no matter what.

I can't wait to meet you, to hear you take your first breath, to see your little face, to touch your skin, to have you hear me tell you repeatedly how much I love and adore you, and someday to hear you say it back. 

I can't wait to be your Mommy.

A reminder to hope for the future...

The other day my dear friend sent me a link to read, and at the end was this beautiful gem, which I had to post. 

"To be a rainbow baby does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears in the sky, it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that the family is not still dealing with its sadness aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds…..and that light is you. Storm clouds may still hover but a “rainbow baby” provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."

Misery is Good. Enjoy it while it lasts...

Some weeks are arguably easier and smoother to get through than others. When I have something to look forward to I have momentum to push me through boringboredom. Like planning a wedding, it's an extended period of time rushing and planning and then executing this thing you've been building up in your head... and then... it's over.

Just like that. All the hoopla, joy, satisfaction, attention... gone. Like a rug has been pulled out from underneath you. And you're stuck again with the same old crap.

It must be what a drug addict feels like — endlessly searching for that high, the adrenaline that comes with temporary fame and glory. And then the huge letdown, the crash, until it begins again. Life is cyclical.

"Fame is fleeting. Obscurity is forever. I’ll take obscurity."
- Napolean

I have a full-time job, a husband, and a hundred responsibilities: there is never a shortage of bills to pay, or clothes to wash, or dishes to clean, or thank-you notes to write, and phone calls to make, and meals to artfully craft, etc. I rush back home at six every night to let out the dog, feed the fur-kids, and I sometimes just want it all to stop for a moment so I can breathe, so I can escape and feel free.

Eleven years ago, I broke off my engagement to my long-term boyfriend and my whole life fell on my head. With him I had spent several years drifting around town rootlessly, eating only top Ramen and other disgusting processed foods and living in 10 x 10 x 6' attic rooms with little else than a mattress to my name. All I wanted was security, a family, a place to call home. I fantasized about it — the nice house, the nice husband, kids, blah blah blah. For a long time I let myself believe that he could be that nice husband, yet in this relationship I felt truly pathetic, lonely and unloved.

As I’m writing this now, I’m realizing that it was actually an amazing time. There is something really beautiful about not knowing which f*ing end is up and where you belong.

These days, I am really far from being a homeless drifter urchin. Being settled — as a wife with a career and a home of my own — was all I wanted for years and years. And trust me when I say that I am so incredibly grateful, and that I believe that the work we've put in has been worth the while. But I’d be lying if I said I didn't miss the days when I had none of it. There was something really light about those very dark times.

I'm a dreamer. I'm also a jealous girl of those who seem to have it all. Career, family, friends, and still manage to have fun. I have to constantly remind myself...

I dream of leaving this security for the freedom of managing myself — being disciplined enough to be successful on my own terms, and without the 'grownups' breathing down my neck about deadlines I couldn't care less about. It's a-l-m-o-s-t within reach... and it feels like it just might be my time.

Friends, keep on keeping on down the long, long road. Enjoy your single life while you can. The heartbreaks, the pain, the sucky, confusing, horrible-ness of it all. Surf the couches, feel the pain, wear the heels, cry your eyes out, spend all day in the dark thinking only about youyouyou. Work your heart to it’s core and discover who you really are deep down inside. Then do it all again. You’ll find your way in this life when it’s time.

xoxo,
Chelle

Contentment

Via

Lately I've been struggling with contentment and just being a grateful person. I always want more.  I want to achieve more, I want to do more. Not necessarily make a ton of money, though that would be nice. I just want recognition. I feel like a big greedy ingrate! 

I realize that I need a heart check.  What does contentment look like in my life? I need to allow myself to enjoy what I've been blessed with and what I've achieved, especially recently. I don't know what it is in me that feels I need to always be doing more and can never find peace or contentment. Maybe it's some deeper issues with parents, approval, etc. But that's a discussion for another time. ;-)

Please don't get me wrong - I know we have so much to be thankful for. Our beautiful house that we live in and a growing business of my own - we are blessed and give thanks daily. But I think this blog community I find myself in - the one in which I read all the blogs out there and see all the fabulous things other bloggers are doing - it can be easy to fall into this feeling of "wanting more" and it never being enough. Feelings associated with comparison. discontentment. jealousy - all these are so so dangerous. Or maybe it's just me.

Hope you don't mind me sharing some of these personal things that have been on my mind ... But I am curious to get your thoughts on the subject. Do you struggle with being content? Being thankful? If not,  please tell us your secrets! How do you remind yourself to be thankful or keep yourself in check when you start to compare? Thanks for reading today friends.

delightfully yours,

Rochelle xx

I have a secret...

...well, for many of you maybe it's not such a big secret... but I feel like I breathe a word of it, the potential of this dream I've been holding on to so tightly will vanish into the air it's spoken.

I have a great passion for floral design. And event (wedding) design and planning. This is no secret. But alas, financial responsibilities and fear have prevented me from being able to pursue my great passion, leaving me brokenhearted more often than not.

I sacrifice my sanity so we can have a lovely home. It's a balancing act, which tilts in the direction of stability and what has been "safe". And for a long time now I have been willing to do what I feel I must by maintaining a good paying and steady employment at a desk job that frankly does not suit me or my creative nature.

My imagination is a constant kaliedescope of blooms and ribbon as my fingers fly across the 10-keys. At times I feel numb... numb to this job that sometimes seems to drain me of my passion and inspiration. And so my whirring brain has been hatching a plan for some time now. A plan to escape what will perhaps inevitably will kill my soul. The mundane.

I've toyed with blogging more. But I lack the freedom and structure (yes, both) to be able to commit. I've taken on more brides this year than ever before, and my soul is soaring! But again my fear, and lack of professional training renders me doubtful in my skills. I need more exposure, but how?

Internship.

This is my big secret. This is the next step. I am certain of it. Now, I just need to commit and take that giant leap of which I am so fearful. Today marks a day that I have made a first big step towards my own freedom, by expressing my interest in an internship with an incredibly talented wedding floral designer.

And now I can barely breathe.

Do me a gigantic favor my dear friends and please cross your fingers and toes, and maybe even your eyes, for me.

delightfully yours,
Chelle xx

Today I am {Fiercely} Thankful



via: kourtneyrae



2012 is quickly reaching its pinnacle with Thanksgiving right around the corner, quickly followed by December birthdays-a-plenty, and of course, my favorite holiday, Christmas.

I have so much to be thankful for.

So much, in fact, I'm on the verge of tears as I type this... the gratitude that fills me is overwhelming, and I only wish there were some way I could express my thanks, and somehow repay all the love I've received.

Any idea how one accomplishes that?

Best I can do is love. Fiercely.

Today, I am thankful.

xoxo, Rochelle

A Love Letter to My Little Angel

Pooh Bear, you are my favorite. You have a way of expressing life lessons in the most comforting way possible. 

I needed to experience these words, more than anyone will ever know.

...there is a huge hole in my heart, the size of the love I have for my son.

I am a mother without her child.

As you may, or may not know, this March my husband and I lost our pregnancy at 20 weeks. Four months ago, half-way through my pregnancy I gave birth to my 11 oz. baby boy, who was never able to take a breath of air, who never opened his eyes, who never cried his first tears.

Little Angel

I was given an angel,

To cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect,

A gift from above.

When I looked at his face

It was calmness I found,

And that peace seemed to spread

To all he was around.

His love touched my heart

Like fine threads of spun gold,

And I'd thank God for giving

This angel to hold.

But I did not know then

That time was my foe,

And too soon, with a whisper,

My angel did go.

My heart almost breaking,

A touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt

As it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel

To cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer

From Heaven above.

And though I can't see him

Or cuddle him tight,

I won't say goodbye,

Little Angel, goodnight.

My precious baby boy, this is my letter to you:

Dearest Son,

I will never forget the brief moments we shared together. 

The instant I saw you, I loved you, unconditionally. I felt your heart beat; I held your tiny hands, saw and kissed your face that strikingly resembled your father's. As you lay on my chest, close as you could be to my heart, I wept. I wept for the moments we will never have together, I wept for the relationship with you I had dreamed of, I wept because my heart could not contain the love I felt instantaneously for you.

My darling son, I know you are in heaven, observing your father and me grieve the loss of our first-born, grieving the fact that we are parents and cannot hold our child. The one reassurance we have during these sad moments is the promise from God that one day we will be reunited. 

from This Side of Heaven

We will have a chance to sit and laugh together, 

To take a walk, hand in hand. 

I'll kiss your face and tell you that I love you. 

And I might just shed a tear to hear you say 

That you love me, too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have you here.

To touch your cheek, tickle your toes

Bounce you on my knee, wipe your nose.

I longed to hear your first laugh and first words.

To see you take your first step.

To calm all your fears and wipe away any tears.

You will remain forever perfect in my eyes, and some how, some way, I will find the strength by the grace of God to move on, never forgetting, but learning how to live this life again, happy, without you.

I love you. Always.

~Mommy

This Sunday we will remember our son in the best way possible, cherish the moments we shared, and hopefully begin the process of closing the doors of hurt, and opening the doors of healing. Undoubtedly it will be a difficult day.

xoxo,

~Chelle

Good {Girl}Friends

The number of close girlfriends I have has grown over the years. I used to feel alone and unwelcome in many social circles, but as I get older, I've learned that you have to be a friend to have a friend.

I went on a ladies weekend trip to Temecula with several of my closest friends last weekend. We stayed in an awesome house, ate good, healthy food, and drank awesome wine at two wineries. I was able to carpool with two of my closest girlfriends, and the conversation flowed.  We talked about toxic friendships, bettering good friendships, and the love that we feel for one another.

As many of you know, my best friend in the whole wide world lives 6,000 miles away from me. And while we chat online as frequently as we can, life gets in the way sometimes.  And those 6,000 miles distancing us does not make it easy to grab a coffee with your closest confidant and friend. I miss her. All the time. I long to have a closer friendship with her, and it literally hurts to not have my best friend nearer to me.

I have great friends that live locally.  In fact, they're all awesome and amazing. I love them like family. I have an incredible, loving, supportive, and caring husband that I love (and like). But these individuals cannot, somehow, fill the emptiness that my best friend, my soul mate can fill.

I loved connecting with two of my local girlfriends. They happen to be each others' best friends and soul mates, and they have an amazing relationship. And I envy the closeness they have. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, but I do envy the fact that they live in the same town as each other, hang out several times a week (most weeks), and can call each other day or night, and not have to worry about what the time difference is.

Sometimes I think my friends forget about me. Maybe they assume I'm too busy to hang out during the week (which is sometimes true), or assume I have some sort of awesome social life they don't know about, or maybe they think I'm not interested in hanging out one-on-one.  I know I am guilty of not extending invitations into my home more often. I worry about the state of cleanliness of my home. With 4 pets contributing to the mess, it can get pretty hairy (pun intended), and I get embarrassed. So, I know it's my fault for not inviting friends over.

But, on the other hand, I do not receive many invitations to come over. I feel uncomfortable just inviting myself. I imagine people get anxious (as I do) to have friends over when their house isn't clean, and they might feel like they have to entertain me. However, the high standards I have for my own cleanliness don't trickle down to those of my friends and family... I could care less. I just want to be able to laugh and chill with my friends.

I have other friends that have schedules that really just do not coincide with my own. I read one girlfriends' blog, and wish I could be a comfort to her in all the crap she's had to wade through in the last few months. When I get to see these friends, good times are had. But in between, they are just sooooo busy, and I think maybe I am just too distracted to pursue their ever-changing schedules. I hope that these friends know that I care about them, and though we can't see each other very often, I think about them frequently, and miss their faces. I hope to work on getting together with them when I can...

You know, I sometimes I think my own family forgets about me too. Strained as some of my relationships with my family are, I hope that my family and friends realize that I need them... maybe they need me too? Speaking of family, my poor husband got a text yesterday (3 days AFTER his birthday!) from his own father, wishing him a belated Happy Birthday. Really?  Come on, REALLY?  This frustrates me beyond measure, but I realize that he is still family, and I will continue to be gracious towards him, even though I think the way he has treated my husband (his first-born) is unacceptable.

After conversations with my two girlfriends in the car (and dancing in the kitchen) last weekend, I confided much in them, and they in me. I expressed that I would like to be included in their plans more frequently. I think the three of us get along so well, and have so much fun together, and I love that I have these girls in my life. I think that they understand me, and I cherish that.

But still, they are not my L... 

{If you read this L, know that I think about you all the time, and I am sorry things have been quiet between us. I know you will tell me that I am being silly, but know that I love you dearly, and miss you all the time. I am working to show you that I am interested in the changes that are occurring in your life, and care about what you are doing, and that circumstances of my life and loss do not need to change the dynamics of our friendship. I still want to know everything, and want you to know how much I will love your little boy. I am going to be an Auntie, and I cannot wait!}

xoxo,
~Chelle

Because... I'm Awesome!

{i did it!}

Thank you to those of you that have provided so much encouragement and support to me recently. I cannot express what the support of my friends means to me. {Tear.}

I've done it... begun a new blog on organization, and I could not be more excited!  Take a look here!

xoxo,

~Chelle

A Step In The Right Direction?

{inspiring thoughts}

{http://www.etsy.com/shop/thewheatfield}

I had an honest conversation the other evening with my amazingly supportive husband regarding what I truly desire out of life. Feeling pulled in so many directions, I often feel like a 'Jill-of-all-trades.' Although I feel passion for being creative in many aspects, I am learning more and more that my strongest suit is being organized.

Organization is easy for me. I take pleasure in being super-organized at work (it's really one of the few aspects of my job that truly I enjoy). Likewise, I love being able to assist friends with their organizational projects - whether it is sorting through their spare bedrooms or closets, purging unnecessary and unused items, figuring out what works, and putting the space back together again in a meaningful, useful, and beautiful way.

The organizational skills I possess have helped me conquer planning my own wedding, as well as helping others with theirs. And while I consider it an honor to help people plan their dream weddings, it's the organizational aspect I enjoy the most. Recently working on projects around my own home has been ridiculously fulfilling, which has spurred this pondering.

Which leads me to my quandary to you readers: 

Should I begin a blog on organizing? 

Would you read it? 

And, the biggest question of all...

Would you spread the word in support?

This could be a step in the right direction...

I thank you sincerely for taking the time to read, and respond!

xoxo,

~Chelle

Fresh perspective

{blog update}

 

I spotted this beautiful poster on Pinterest a few weeks ago, designed by Emily Ley. 

I've been holding onto this quote, revisiting it periodically, re-finding inspiration. 

Rather than aiming for perfection, let's try grace. 

Feel the weight lifting already? I know. It's amazing, right?

Thank you Emily for unwittingly providing me with such inspiration!

xoxo
~Chelle

Overjoyed

{They say it's the small things in life that make it all the worthwhile.}

The sky's the limit.

This week it's true, for certain.  

• Helping my girlfriends in planning a baby shower.
• Meeting up for coffee talk with a beloved friend.
• Reading the perfect article in a magazine inspiring me to make small changes.
• Finally feeling at home in our new house.
• Reading another blog and trying a new style.
• Finding out a far-away sister-friend will be coming stateside soon...

Somehow it's all coming together this week.

My cup runneth over.

Friendships

{Friends are the Family you Choose}

... To paraphrase Edna Buchanan.  There is nothing quite like knowing you can be your true, unabashed, carefree self and know that there will be no judgment, no criticism, only love on the other side.

Friendship is a powerful thing.  I've always prided myself, if not on anything else, on being the type of person that is worthy of being a good friend. I place value in traits I look for in others - traits I seek in friendships, in relationships in general:

• Trustworthyness
• Trust
• Loyalty
• Compassion
• Love
• Open Heart
• Open Ears
• Sense of Adventure
• Sense of Humor
• Generousity

I bet one or more of you would look at this list and say, "well, yeah!"  It seems pretty basic a concept. Those are pretty important traits for anyone, right?

Here's what Wikipedia says about friendship:

In a comparison of personal relationships, friendship is considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations...

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion
• Trust in one another (able to express feelings - including in relation to the other's actions - without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
• Positive reciprocity - a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

I believe that friendship essentially involves a distinctive kind of concern for your friend, a concern which might reasonably be understood as a kind of love, and who doesn't love love?  Just try Googling "friend love" and see what photos you find.  There's lots of love out there... “It seems to me that love is everywhere.”

Yes, I love my friends.  I tell them so on the regular.  And I know that my abundance of affection rubs some the wrong way, but I can't help it.  When I know that I love someone, I tend to show it to the world.

So, my friends, you are loved.  I love you.

Blessings In Disguise

{Perception is based on the Individual}

 

The funny thing about blessings in disguise is that you never can prepare yourself ahead of time to be on the look-out for challenging times ahead.  Hind-sight will always be 20-20.  When faced with tough circumstances, and difficult choices, life can seem impossible... being able to look beyond your current feelings, inconceivable.

But then you emerge from the blinding storm, finding yourself somehow victorious, and able to see clearly all that has occurred.  Peaks and valleys - we all endure great highs and lows, but it is what you choose to do in the valleys of your life that defines you, and builds your character.

The past six months have been challenging on many fronts.  Friendships have been trying, dreams beginning to take flight have been swatted down by neigh-sayers.  Challenging months, yes, but life experience has taught me that good things come to good people that are patient.  So, despite the bouts with depression, stemming from my own self-doubt, coupled with negative energy spewing from others, I tried my best to not get sucked into the storm, rising above to forgive those that have intentionally, or unintentionally hurt me.

As a child, I was taught that being sorry is not a complete process without sincerely asking for forgiveness.  Same goes for forgiveness.  Saying "I forgive you" means nothing to the person you've forgiven if you are continually reminded of your wrongs, or even treated in a different manner!  Recognizing that some are not capable of ever truly forgetting harms done to them, sometimes we must turn a blind eye when we are reminded of our painful pasts.  Social terrorism, however, is completely unacceptable.

A social terrorist deliberately goes out of their way to make others' feel terrible about themselves, for no apparent reason, other than to get back at those they feel have harmed them.  Whether this behavior stems from a place of insecurity, I do not know, but I've known a few of these social terrorists in my short life... and am certain I'll encounter a few more before my days are over.  I wish I could avoid them like the plague!

Social Terrorists aren't always recognizable upfront.  Some disguise themselves as helpful acquaintances, others you can know for years before you recognize the spectrum of their true colors.  Some will even act like decent, trustworthy people, until they turn on you the second they begin to believe you are a foe.  Worse yet, some will even try to turn others against you too, convincing the weak-minded, and bullying the strong-minded into believing their lies.

Convince themselves all they like, I am not the bad guy.  I have never truly deserved any of the censure any social terrorist has bestowed upon me.  When did "eye for an eye" ever become okay?  I don't agree with this hurtful behavior, so, try as they might, the social terrorists I have encountered in my life have all but disappeared from my radar.  I have chosen remove myself from their toxic influence, without drama, if I can avoid it.  Sometimes the web they have woven is so complex, their hold is not so easily escaped, but I believe that once the truth is realized, those that are under the influence of said social terrorist will come around, if you continue to take the high road.

I am so blessed with relationships and friendships that will stand the test of time, and the warfare of social terrorists.  These friends will always be few and far between, and all the more cherished.  I know that these people love me for who I am, accept me at my worst, appreciate my blatancy, and have patience for my mess-ups.  All I need to do now is remind myself that I have this faith in them when factors come into play that challenge our trust and love.  All the hardship can sometimes be a blessing, sometimes in disguise.