A Love Letter to My Little Angel

Pooh Bear, you are my favorite. You have a way of expressing life lessons in the most comforting way possible. 

I needed to experience these words, more than anyone will ever know.

...there is a huge hole in my heart, the size of the love I have for my son.

I am a mother without her child.

As you may, or may not know, this March my husband and I lost our pregnancy at 20 weeks. Four months ago, half-way through my pregnancy I gave birth to my 11 oz. baby boy, who was never able to take a breath of air, who never opened his eyes, who never cried his first tears.

Little Angel

I was given an angel,

To cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect,

A gift from above.

When I looked at his face

It was calmness I found,

And that peace seemed to spread

To all he was around.

His love touched my heart

Like fine threads of spun gold,

And I'd thank God for giving

This angel to hold.

But I did not know then

That time was my foe,

And too soon, with a whisper,

My angel did go.

My heart almost breaking,

A touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt

As it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel

To cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer

From Heaven above.

And though I can't see him

Or cuddle him tight,

I won't say goodbye,

Little Angel, goodnight.

My precious baby boy, this is my letter to you:

Dearest Son,

I will never forget the brief moments we shared together. 

The instant I saw you, I loved you, unconditionally. I felt your heart beat; I held your tiny hands, saw and kissed your face that strikingly resembled your father's. As you lay on my chest, close as you could be to my heart, I wept. I wept for the moments we will never have together, I wept for the relationship with you I had dreamed of, I wept because my heart could not contain the love I felt instantaneously for you.

My darling son, I know you are in heaven, observing your father and me grieve the loss of our first-born, grieving the fact that we are parents and cannot hold our child. The one reassurance we have during these sad moments is the promise from God that one day we will be reunited. 

from This Side of Heaven

We will have a chance to sit and laugh together, 

To take a walk, hand in hand. 

I'll kiss your face and tell you that I love you. 

And I might just shed a tear to hear you say 

That you love me, too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have you here.

To touch your cheek, tickle your toes

Bounce you on my knee, wipe your nose.

I longed to hear your first laugh and first words.

To see you take your first step.

To calm all your fears and wipe away any tears.

You will remain forever perfect in my eyes, and some how, some way, I will find the strength by the grace of God to move on, never forgetting, but learning how to live this life again, happy, without you.

I love you. Always.

~Mommy

This Sunday we will remember our son in the best way possible, cherish the moments we shared, and hopefully begin the process of closing the doors of hurt, and opening the doors of healing. Undoubtedly it will be a difficult day.

xoxo,

~Chelle

It's Positive Affirmation Wednesday!

{Feel Good}

{source}

I am officially dubbing Wednesdays as Positive Affirmation Day! As a woman, I know I need to hear that I am beautiful, appreciated, and valued. Sometimes hearing "I love you" from your partner just doesn't cut it... and we all know that often men aren't the most original with their word selections.

I know that other women need to hear positive affirmations too, and I know that hearing one word of kindness can often brighten someone's entire day, and sometimes {if it is really good} an entire week.

So, this morning I took some time, and messaged several of my friends with something I know to be true about them. To my best friend, I wrote:

"You are a selfless, caring friend,
and your joy is infectious. <3"

And you know what? I made her day... and it feels good to have been able to do that for someone I care about and love.

She made my day in return:

"You inspire me in so many ways, 

and I think about you and wish you were closer
every single day. X x x"

Awesome, right?

xoxo,

Chelle

Good {Girl}Friends

The number of close girlfriends I have has grown over the years. I used to feel alone and unwelcome in many social circles, but as I get older, I've learned that you have to be a friend to have a friend.

I went on a ladies weekend trip to Temecula with several of my closest friends last weekend. We stayed in an awesome house, ate good, healthy food, and drank awesome wine at two wineries. I was able to carpool with two of my closest girlfriends, and the conversation flowed.  We talked about toxic friendships, bettering good friendships, and the love that we feel for one another.

As many of you know, my best friend in the whole wide world lives 6,000 miles away from me. And while we chat online as frequently as we can, life gets in the way sometimes.  And those 6,000 miles distancing us does not make it easy to grab a coffee with your closest confidant and friend. I miss her. All the time. I long to have a closer friendship with her, and it literally hurts to not have my best friend nearer to me.

I have great friends that live locally.  In fact, they're all awesome and amazing. I love them like family. I have an incredible, loving, supportive, and caring husband that I love (and like). But these individuals cannot, somehow, fill the emptiness that my best friend, my soul mate can fill.

I loved connecting with two of my local girlfriends. They happen to be each others' best friends and soul mates, and they have an amazing relationship. And I envy the closeness they have. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, but I do envy the fact that they live in the same town as each other, hang out several times a week (most weeks), and can call each other day or night, and not have to worry about what the time difference is.

Sometimes I think my friends forget about me. Maybe they assume I'm too busy to hang out during the week (which is sometimes true), or assume I have some sort of awesome social life they don't know about, or maybe they think I'm not interested in hanging out one-on-one.  I know I am guilty of not extending invitations into my home more often. I worry about the state of cleanliness of my home. With 4 pets contributing to the mess, it can get pretty hairy (pun intended), and I get embarrassed. So, I know it's my fault for not inviting friends over.

But, on the other hand, I do not receive many invitations to come over. I feel uncomfortable just inviting myself. I imagine people get anxious (as I do) to have friends over when their house isn't clean, and they might feel like they have to entertain me. However, the high standards I have for my own cleanliness don't trickle down to those of my friends and family... I could care less. I just want to be able to laugh and chill with my friends.

I have other friends that have schedules that really just do not coincide with my own. I read one girlfriends' blog, and wish I could be a comfort to her in all the crap she's had to wade through in the last few months. When I get to see these friends, good times are had. But in between, they are just sooooo busy, and I think maybe I am just too distracted to pursue their ever-changing schedules. I hope that these friends know that I care about them, and though we can't see each other very often, I think about them frequently, and miss their faces. I hope to work on getting together with them when I can...

You know, I sometimes I think my own family forgets about me too. Strained as some of my relationships with my family are, I hope that my family and friends realize that I need them... maybe they need me too? Speaking of family, my poor husband got a text yesterday (3 days AFTER his birthday!) from his own father, wishing him a belated Happy Birthday. Really?  Come on, REALLY?  This frustrates me beyond measure, but I realize that he is still family, and I will continue to be gracious towards him, even though I think the way he has treated my husband (his first-born) is unacceptable.

After conversations with my two girlfriends in the car (and dancing in the kitchen) last weekend, I confided much in them, and they in me. I expressed that I would like to be included in their plans more frequently. I think the three of us get along so well, and have so much fun together, and I love that I have these girls in my life. I think that they understand me, and I cherish that.

But still, they are not my L... 

{If you read this L, know that I think about you all the time, and I am sorry things have been quiet between us. I know you will tell me that I am being silly, but know that I love you dearly, and miss you all the time. I am working to show you that I am interested in the changes that are occurring in your life, and care about what you are doing, and that circumstances of my life and loss do not need to change the dynamics of our friendship. I still want to know everything, and want you to know how much I will love your little boy. I am going to be an Auntie, and I cannot wait!}

xoxo,
~Chelle