Today I am {Fiercely} Thankful



via: kourtneyrae



2012 is quickly reaching its pinnacle with Thanksgiving right around the corner, quickly followed by December birthdays-a-plenty, and of course, my favorite holiday, Christmas.

I have so much to be thankful for.

So much, in fact, I'm on the verge of tears as I type this... the gratitude that fills me is overwhelming, and I only wish there were some way I could express my thanks, and somehow repay all the love I've received.

Any idea how one accomplishes that?

Best I can do is love. Fiercely.

Today, I am thankful.

xoxo, Rochelle

If you don't like it, get out!

I’ve said it before in real life (and, I’m pretty sure I will say it again), if you don’t like what you see or hear: move on.

Periodically we are all subject to the conversations of others. You know, you're within earshot of a conversation, and you can't help but hear every word being spoken. It's not that you are trying to listen in or disrespect their privacy (but if they really meant their words to stay private, they wouldn't be spoken in the company of others, right?), but it's there, and it's difficult to tune out. Fairly recently, I was at an event, sitting nearby a couple ladies having one of these conversations that I couldn't help but hear. And what struck me about their conversation was not the fact that I could hear it, but that I couldn’t stop listening to the gossip and negative conversations they were sharing. They spent the better portion of an hour spewing poisonous words; putting down this person and that person, followed by their expressions of hatred towards their jobs (be thankful for your employment!), and frustrations with husbands and/or family. There was not ONE single positive thing these ladies had to say. I kid you not. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved. I changed seats, and I got up and walked around. I was now out of ear shot of them. I no longer had to listen to their gossipy mean chit-chat. I made my choice: move my butt, so I no longer had to listen to these ladies.

I did not enjoy hearing them. I didn't make a big spectacle of it, but I picked myself up, and moved on. I moved to the other side of the room. I am happy I did, because these ladies sat there for another hour: I did not hear that last hour… Thank goodness.

My point in sharing this (rather vague) story is: if you don’t like what you see or hear, get out of there. I’ve had my fair share of negative comments and feedback thrown my way (whatever, brush it off), but I still can’t understand why anyone would continue to go back to something they hate. Why would you want to continue to perpetuate a relationship or situation with a person who is, in your opinion, never interesting? Is it just so you can join in the gossip? (Yes.) Calling people ugly and stupid is fun? I don’t know.

There is no guarantee there will be no backlash from walking away, but for goodness' sake, do it for your own sanity.

I’ve been trying my best this year to move forward after experiencing a painful backlash, continuing to work on myself and be a better (and bigger) person. Then I hear mean words spoken by perfect strangers, and even experience snide attitudes… And, I feel the instinctive urge to start pulling away. Instead, I ignore the bad. As much as I want to watch the train wreck of emotions, I don't want to end up hurt, again, so I ignore. I block it out. I will ignore it and not support it. There will always be mean spirited people out there in the world with weird, random, unrealistic and hateful things to say about you, even under the 'guise of "advice" or "clearing the air", but I choose to look away and ignore the hurtful things people will say about me. 

I choose to accept the fact that maybe not everyone I meet will like me (believe me, that’s the hardest part. I don’t like to not be liked… Or, even hated). But, whatever. I know me. I am a good person. I do have some friends that truly enjoy me, and I enjoy them. I can’t win everyone over (even when I want to). But, do I really want to? I don't believe anyone likes negative/toxic friendships, especially me… and, I don’t put up with them. So, I think I’m glad I can’t win them all over.

I speak my mind. 

     Yes! I do. 

I do have high standards. 

     Yup, I do. 

Yes, I believe in people, and expect greatness from great people… I think it’s important to remain optimistic especially when so many negative influences are out there to bring us down. 

I have great faith in others. 

     I don’t hide the fact that I do. 

          Heck yeah! 

I forgive, but don't mistake my forgiveness as forgetfulness. 

     I don't make the same mistakes twice.  

           Holy crap! 

I am extremely loyal. 

     Yes! 

I am never mean.  

     Never. 

I am happy.  

     Yes, I have bad days (especially given the year I've had), but luckily, there are a lot fewer bad days when I ignore all the negativity. I can and will focus on the positive. <3 p="p">

I have the brain power to hit delete to those mean comments, and I make the choice to ignore all the negativity.

The true ugly: mean.

A Love Letter to My Little Angel

Pooh Bear, you are my favorite. You have a way of expressing life lessons in the most comforting way possible. 

I needed to experience these words, more than anyone will ever know.

...there is a huge hole in my heart, the size of the love I have for my son.

I am a mother without her child.

As you may, or may not know, this March my husband and I lost our pregnancy at 20 weeks. Four months ago, half-way through my pregnancy I gave birth to my 11 oz. baby boy, who was never able to take a breath of air, who never opened his eyes, who never cried his first tears.

Little Angel

I was given an angel,

To cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect,

A gift from above.

When I looked at his face

It was calmness I found,

And that peace seemed to spread

To all he was around.

His love touched my heart

Like fine threads of spun gold,

And I'd thank God for giving

This angel to hold.

But I did not know then

That time was my foe,

And too soon, with a whisper,

My angel did go.

My heart almost breaking,

A touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt

As it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel

To cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer

From Heaven above.

And though I can't see him

Or cuddle him tight,

I won't say goodbye,

Little Angel, goodnight.

My precious baby boy, this is my letter to you:

Dearest Son,

I will never forget the brief moments we shared together. 

The instant I saw you, I loved you, unconditionally. I felt your heart beat; I held your tiny hands, saw and kissed your face that strikingly resembled your father's. As you lay on my chest, close as you could be to my heart, I wept. I wept for the moments we will never have together, I wept for the relationship with you I had dreamed of, I wept because my heart could not contain the love I felt instantaneously for you.

My darling son, I know you are in heaven, observing your father and me grieve the loss of our first-born, grieving the fact that we are parents and cannot hold our child. The one reassurance we have during these sad moments is the promise from God that one day we will be reunited. 

from This Side of Heaven

We will have a chance to sit and laugh together, 

To take a walk, hand in hand. 

I'll kiss your face and tell you that I love you. 

And I might just shed a tear to hear you say 

That you love me, too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have you here.

To touch your cheek, tickle your toes

Bounce you on my knee, wipe your nose.

I longed to hear your first laugh and first words.

To see you take your first step.

To calm all your fears and wipe away any tears.

You will remain forever perfect in my eyes, and some how, some way, I will find the strength by the grace of God to move on, never forgetting, but learning how to live this life again, happy, without you.

I love you. Always.

~Mommy

This Sunday we will remember our son in the best way possible, cherish the moments we shared, and hopefully begin the process of closing the doors of hurt, and opening the doors of healing. Undoubtedly it will be a difficult day.

xoxo,

~Chelle