I’ll be 32 in just a few weeks.
I don’t have any problems with the age, per se. I live a fairly typical 32-year-old life, and a pretty good one at that. From the outside, I look, talk and live like a 30-something year old woman.
What I’m concerned about is that maybe on the inside I’m not
where I picture a woman of my age to be.
Confident. Graceful. Sure. Settled.
In my mind, a 32-year-old doesn’t worry about what others
think. She isn’t insecure. She isn’t confused or weak and certainly doesn’t
question where she’s headed, or what life has in store for her. She’s got her act together and is the picture of
ladylike poise.
And yet, here I sit, 6 weeks away from that confident,
graceful, sure and settled ideal, feeling so very far from it.
Have you ever felt this way?
Recently I read this post about twirling – that act
of pushing off everything that hinders (insecurities, failures, aspirations)
and dancing through life knowing that we are loved. Not because we are doing
everything right, or because we have it all together, but because He first loved us. It’s so much less about the actual
dancing (a cheesy metaphor for living life) and more about the heart in knowing
we are delightfully and perfectly made, just as we are.
Twirl.
So this is what bothers me: I’m nearly 32, certainly old
enough both in years and in my own personal faith in Jesus to conceptually understand all this. To live
this. To let go of those stupid insecurities about not being good enough,
pretty enough, talented enough, successful enough… and just believe what I know to be true: that
each and every one of us are exceptionally talented, created for a unique purpose and most of
all, accepted through grace just as we are and not for who we ought to be.
I’ve been in a weird spot over the last year or so, plugging away, but not
really sure of where I’m headed. What are my goals? What is my dream of all dreams? It’s all been a bit cloudy and unclear and so I
found myself looking around at what others were doing thinking maybe that’s
where I would find the answers.
She’s writing a book - I should write a book!
She’s selling all of her possessions and touring the
country - I should do that!
She's got three kids, a mansion, and works from home - I should have all that by now too!
She’s (fill-in-the-blank) - I should (fill-in-the-blank)!
Unfortunately, all this did was perpetuate my confusion and frustration and
bury me further in the comparison pit (a place I know all too well). We've visited this concept several times here on the blog...
... but, have you ever been there?
I’ve spent these past few months quietly praying, looking
for clues, waiting and waiting and the clearest answer just came to me clear out of the blue driving home one day a few weeks ago.
I'm not certain if it was the song I was listening to, or if my train of thought just kept chugging along without me, but as I sat in the driver’s seat, I envisioned a beautiful ballet of life play out before me.
And all these fears about not being good enough, not doing it right, unsure,
unsettled, afraid of what others will think – suddenly I realized just how much time I’ve been
wasting. I’m hiding my head under a silly paper bag watching the world fly by while everyone else
does their lovely twirls and spins.
It was then that I heard this little whisper in my soul: Rochelle,
do your thing.
That’s it.
Just do your thing.
That’s the answer. And it’s ridiculously simple.
Twirl.
Twirling is about unashamed dancing. It’s about delighting
in our femininity. It’s about accepting God’s absolutely profound love and
finding freedom. But it’s also about just doing our thing. Not only being who
we are, but actually celebrating who we are. It’s a quiet confidence. Graceful
presence. Living out our unique talents, seeing the beauty within each of us
and sharing it with one another.
The best thing about it is that there is no magical age
when it appears. I’ve been wrong all this time about that. This confidence,
grace, assuredness, is available to all of us, at any age, for as long as we
choose.
I love that.
I’ll be 32 in a few weeks and while I am not the picture of
confidence and maturity that I envision, I feel like I’ve made a big step in
that direction. I’m so tired of the insecurities. I don’t want to live with
this ugly striving and unsettled discontentment. I want the freedom to do my
thing. As clunky as it may be or as graceful as it be become, I just want to be
who God made me to be, share my life, love and live well.
I want to twirl.
You too?
Can I be your support team - your positive reinforcement? Can you be mine?
Be encouraged, wherever you are today, that you are
wonderful. You are uniquely talented. You are valuable. And because of Jesus’
great love for you, you are deemed enough.
Now, just do your thing.
