A Love Letter to My Little Angel

Pooh Bear, you are my favorite. You have a way of expressing life lessons in the most comforting way possible. 

I needed to experience these words, more than anyone will ever know.

...there is a huge hole in my heart, the size of the love I have for my son.

I am a mother without her child.

As you may, or may not know, this March my husband and I lost our pregnancy at 20 weeks. Four months ago, half-way through my pregnancy I gave birth to my 11 oz. baby boy, who was never able to take a breath of air, who never opened his eyes, who never cried his first tears.

Little Angel

I was given an angel,

To cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect,

A gift from above.

When I looked at his face

It was calmness I found,

And that peace seemed to spread

To all he was around.

His love touched my heart

Like fine threads of spun gold,

And I'd thank God for giving

This angel to hold.

But I did not know then

That time was my foe,

And too soon, with a whisper,

My angel did go.

My heart almost breaking,

A touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt

As it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel

To cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer

From Heaven above.

And though I can't see him

Or cuddle him tight,

I won't say goodbye,

Little Angel, goodnight.

My precious baby boy, this is my letter to you:

Dearest Son,

I will never forget the brief moments we shared together. 

The instant I saw you, I loved you, unconditionally. I felt your heart beat; I held your tiny hands, saw and kissed your face that strikingly resembled your father's. As you lay on my chest, close as you could be to my heart, I wept. I wept for the moments we will never have together, I wept for the relationship with you I had dreamed of, I wept because my heart could not contain the love I felt instantaneously for you.

My darling son, I know you are in heaven, observing your father and me grieve the loss of our first-born, grieving the fact that we are parents and cannot hold our child. The one reassurance we have during these sad moments is the promise from God that one day we will be reunited. 

from This Side of Heaven

We will have a chance to sit and laugh together, 

To take a walk, hand in hand. 

I'll kiss your face and tell you that I love you. 

And I might just shed a tear to hear you say 

That you love me, too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have you here.

To touch your cheek, tickle your toes

Bounce you on my knee, wipe your nose.

I longed to hear your first laugh and first words.

To see you take your first step.

To calm all your fears and wipe away any tears.

You will remain forever perfect in my eyes, and some how, some way, I will find the strength by the grace of God to move on, never forgetting, but learning how to live this life again, happy, without you.

I love you. Always.

~Mommy

This Sunday we will remember our son in the best way possible, cherish the moments we shared, and hopefully begin the process of closing the doors of hurt, and opening the doors of healing. Undoubtedly it will be a difficult day.

xoxo,

~Chelle