Lots and Lots of Questions... and Few Answers

I have often wondered what others think of me. It's a question I am not even certain I would honestly want an answer to, but ya gotta wonder sometimes.

When I divulge my innermost thoughts to someone I trust, how can I trust that what I tell them won't somehow push them away?

I don't.

However, I have faith in my friendships, and always hope they will continue to love me, and not judge when I share sensitive information.

Disappointingly, this hope has not always been enough.

Many a friendship has ended on account of my blatant and unapologetic "wearing my heart on my sleeve." Truth is, relationships, no matter how special they may be doesn't always work out, for various reasons. So does that mean the friendship or experience was a waste of time and effort?

I like to think not.

Optimistically, walking away from a relationship, for whatever reason affords us an opportunity to grow and learn as individuals. We can gather information about our adventures and learn valuable lessons from every experience in life. Those who refuse to grow are only a hindrance to themselves.

But at what point in a relationship do we resign and part ways? How long of an adjustment or 'cooling off' period do we need to grant one another in order to absorb the situation, gather ourselves, and move ahead? And do we continue on, or pack our bags and leave?

And to throw another wrench into the mix, what happens if we're not on the same page?

Well, folks, although I have an abundance of questions, I certainly am not going to be able to provide you with answers to your own situations. We can all speculate on how we might react, or handle a less than desirable situation should we be in it, however, with all our hopes and values, we do not know until we are in the moment how we will act and react. I, for one, am always open to learning and finding the value of experience from my surroundings, my friends, my family, from life itself.

I have moments of pristine clarity - like puzzle pieces finally locking into place. Unfortunately, the moments in between are often riddled with cloudy moments of doubt. I often wonder, "why me?", or "what happened?" and even "who are these strangers surrounding me?"

Listening to our conscience seems to be an unpopular practice. Seemingly few of us want to heed our inner monologue when it's shouting at us "DON'T DO THAT!" or "GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT!" We know better (hopefully), and yet, do we take the time to listen?

Listen to yourself. Quiet the world around you... slow down.

Turn off the TV. Shut down the computer. Take a load off, and allow your thoughts to wash over you, and allow your mind the time to process all the information we are bombarded with in any given day. You might be amazed with what clarity of mind can follow.

I know I am.

I write. First in my journal, and with that inspiration, I blast my thoughts across the web via blog.  I lay it all out on the line, and you can take it or leave it. My only motive in writing this blog is to not be so afraid of having my open heart be broken. So while I am fearful, and carefully choose my words, bear in mind that we all have good days, and bad days. Some are more profound than others.

These are just a few of my thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

Taking the High Road

Today was an intense day. The source of all my problems (we'll call her Speedy) had been asked a few weeks ago to help compile a list to help me to improve how I send out mailings.

On second thought, I will clarify. Over a month ago I requested the assistance of several individuals in Speedy's department, specifically bearing in mind that Speedy has the propensity to take on more responsibilities than she should, much to the shagrin of others.

Well, it turns out, Speedy did exactly as I dreaded she might (yet hoped she would not), and took control of the project.

Today, one of my friends asked if I had instructed Speedy to delegate as she had begun to do, and expressed she didn't appreciate the extra workload this was creating for her...

Needless to say, Speedy's actions, and being caught off-guard by this question made my blood boil. The longer I mulled it over and over in my mind during the day, the more frustrated and bothered I became.

You see, Speedy treats me like she does most others - as though I were incompetent. I have repeatedly observed her treat others I know she has no respect for this way by walking all over these individuals. I know, consequently, she thinks the same way about me. The difference in my case is that I am a strong individual, and will not be steamrolled.

Now, perhaps the situation would have worked better for all, had Speedy included me in any of the authoritative decisions she were making, however, she didn't, I therefore needed to to take charge of the situation before it had the potential to get worse, for me.

So, I constructed a cool, calm, thoughtfully written email, which I sent to Speedy.

I proceeded to thank her for her efforts to help me with my project, and explained that I felt it was too much to ask everyone else in her department to take on additional responsibilities. I expressed that all I needed from her was the information she had collected. We went back and forth a few times until my boss was copied by Speedy, at which point she got involved, and then served as a mediator, and convinced Speedy to relinquish her control.

How sad.

I will admit, I too can be controlling when it comes to certain things - I like things done in a way that makes logical sense to me. When situations get so complicated it's not even worth the effort, well, then that's rather pointless, if you ask me. So, I'd rather do it myself.

My point is, it seems like such a waste of time to be sloppy.

After the days' events, it appears all has been rectified. After realizing there were "too many hands on the project", the responsibility was placed back on my lap, which I am fine with. I welcome the challenge, and in all honesty, I'd rather do things right, and not have to clean up after other people's messes.

Before the day ended, I went to see Speedy and said "I just want to thank you for all of your effort in helping get this project rolling. I know it's been frustrating, but I appreciate your efforts." Speedy nodded, and grunted, "it's cool."

How eloquent.