Blessings In Disguise

{Perception is based on the Individual}

 

The funny thing about blessings in disguise is that you never can prepare yourself ahead of time to be on the look-out for challenging times ahead.  Hind-sight will always be 20-20.  When faced with tough circumstances, and difficult choices, life can seem impossible... being able to look beyond your current feelings, inconceivable.

But then you emerge from the blinding storm, finding yourself somehow victorious, and able to see clearly all that has occurred.  Peaks and valleys - we all endure great highs and lows, but it is what you choose to do in the valleys of your life that defines you, and builds your character.

The past six months have been challenging on many fronts.  Friendships have been trying, dreams beginning to take flight have been swatted down by neigh-sayers.  Challenging months, yes, but life experience has taught me that good things come to good people that are patient.  So, despite the bouts with depression, stemming from my own self-doubt, coupled with negative energy spewing from others, I tried my best to not get sucked into the storm, rising above to forgive those that have intentionally, or unintentionally hurt me.

As a child, I was taught that being sorry is not a complete process without sincerely asking for forgiveness.  Same goes for forgiveness.  Saying "I forgive you" means nothing to the person you've forgiven if you are continually reminded of your wrongs, or even treated in a different manner!  Recognizing that some are not capable of ever truly forgetting harms done to them, sometimes we must turn a blind eye when we are reminded of our painful pasts.  Social terrorism, however, is completely unacceptable.

A social terrorist deliberately goes out of their way to make others' feel terrible about themselves, for no apparent reason, other than to get back at those they feel have harmed them.  Whether this behavior stems from a place of insecurity, I do not know, but I've known a few of these social terrorists in my short life... and am certain I'll encounter a few more before my days are over.  I wish I could avoid them like the plague!

Social Terrorists aren't always recognizable upfront.  Some disguise themselves as helpful acquaintances, others you can know for years before you recognize the spectrum of their true colors.  Some will even act like decent, trustworthy people, until they turn on you the second they begin to believe you are a foe.  Worse yet, some will even try to turn others against you too, convincing the weak-minded, and bullying the strong-minded into believing their lies.

Convince themselves all they like, I am not the bad guy.  I have never truly deserved any of the censure any social terrorist has bestowed upon me.  When did "eye for an eye" ever become okay?  I don't agree with this hurtful behavior, so, try as they might, the social terrorists I have encountered in my life have all but disappeared from my radar.  I have chosen remove myself from their toxic influence, without drama, if I can avoid it.  Sometimes the web they have woven is so complex, their hold is not so easily escaped, but I believe that once the truth is realized, those that are under the influence of said social terrorist will come around, if you continue to take the high road.

I am so blessed with relationships and friendships that will stand the test of time, and the warfare of social terrorists.  These friends will always be few and far between, and all the more cherished.  I know that these people love me for who I am, accept me at my worst, appreciate my blatancy, and have patience for my mess-ups.  All I need to do now is remind myself that I have this faith in them when factors come into play that challenge our trust and love.  All the hardship can sometimes be a blessing, sometimes in disguise.

The Wongdoer

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

— Marilyn Monroe

I am convinced I can do little right by some.

Feeling so sad and alone, so friendless (yes, I'm having a pity party for one); people I have trusted to love me for me, perhaps even unconditionally, seem to no longer have the patience to "deal" with me.  My heart and my spirit are broken.

Coming off as inconsiderate is never a good thing, but how I manage to come off as too strongly, too abrasively, too interested, too excited, or too caring (and yes, I've heard "you care too much!") bewilders me!

What is so fundamentally wrong with my approach?  Why am I so misunderstood?  What is it that is unbearable about me that results in so many instances of me crying in the work bathroom stall, or crying myself to sleep after being criticized by friends I love for the things I "shouldn't" have done or said.  Am I so critical to deserve such censure?

I speak my mind, and I get in trouble.  I express my feelings, good and bad, and I am criticized.  I have high standards, and I am a "control freak."  Why, I beg, are strength, intelligence, ability, passion and expression of opinion a negative for me?  I'm told it's the way I come across, that I must not realize what I do or say, and that sometimes, but not always, it is excusable only because "that's just the way you are"...

I've always felt I could do no right in certain peoples' eyes which is fine, because I can't possibly please everyone, but the sets of eyes are growing... steadily.  I must need to learn to check myself more often, bite my tongue more frequently, not be so open, all for the sake of others.  Although, I'm tempted to say, "forget it!  I'm tired of bending myself for everyone else's sake!"  But I question, am I really in the wrong?  Who is to say?  But if I rub enough people the wrong way, surely I must be the one that needs to change.  Trouble is, I've always been this way, so why does it seem that the sensitivity factor has drastically increased lately?

I don't like feeling like this, and feel I must learn to change in order to save what I hold dear. I must re-learn the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." — Matthew 7:12

All I can ask for is a little more patience. x

I get it....

{...I know that we can't all get along 100% of the time.}

Surely I must do things or act a certain way that drive some people up the wall!  I know this.  I can read the torture on some people's faces.  Heck, I'm not perfect.

There was once a time where I was ignorant enough to believe that certain people expected me to be perfect: living up to these imagined expectations was EXHAUSTING!!  Thankfully, I quickly realized that that is no way to live, and learned to live comfortably, without shame of taking ownership of who I am, major and minor faults, and all

Trust me, I am aware that I am most definitely am far far far from perfect!  So I question why I have become a benchmark for some?  I've been told it is because I come across with an air of sophistication, and I carry myself in a way that makes me seem like I think I know it all. 

What?!?  Seriously?

I hate that this is the case.  Inside I aim to be down-to-earth, and truly humble and genuine.  And although I do set high standards for myself I never expect anyone to live up to my own standards.

In all honesty, I only aim to do my very best, and treat those around me with the utmost respect, kindness and love that they deserve.  If this comes across as "perfectionist" behavior, well, I am sorry for it, but I do not know how to be any other way than the most genuine me.  Hopefully, those that take the time to know me understand this, and are willing to accept this for the truth and reality it is.