The Wongdoer

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

— Marilyn Monroe

I am convinced I can do little right by some.

Feeling so sad and alone, so friendless (yes, I'm having a pity party for one); people I have trusted to love me for me, perhaps even unconditionally, seem to no longer have the patience to "deal" with me.  My heart and my spirit are broken.

Coming off as inconsiderate is never a good thing, but how I manage to come off as too strongly, too abrasively, too interested, too excited, or too caring (and yes, I've heard "you care too much!") bewilders me!

What is so fundamentally wrong with my approach?  Why am I so misunderstood?  What is it that is unbearable about me that results in so many instances of me crying in the work bathroom stall, or crying myself to sleep after being criticized by friends I love for the things I "shouldn't" have done or said.  Am I so critical to deserve such censure?

I speak my mind, and I get in trouble.  I express my feelings, good and bad, and I am criticized.  I have high standards, and I am a "control freak."  Why, I beg, are strength, intelligence, ability, passion and expression of opinion a negative for me?  I'm told it's the way I come across, that I must not realize what I do or say, and that sometimes, but not always, it is excusable only because "that's just the way you are"...

I've always felt I could do no right in certain peoples' eyes which is fine, because I can't possibly please everyone, but the sets of eyes are growing... steadily.  I must need to learn to check myself more often, bite my tongue more frequently, not be so open, all for the sake of others.  Although, I'm tempted to say, "forget it!  I'm tired of bending myself for everyone else's sake!"  But I question, am I really in the wrong?  Who is to say?  But if I rub enough people the wrong way, surely I must be the one that needs to change.  Trouble is, I've always been this way, so why does it seem that the sensitivity factor has drastically increased lately?

I don't like feeling like this, and feel I must learn to change in order to save what I hold dear. I must re-learn the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." — Matthew 7:12

All I can ask for is a little more patience. x

I get it....

{...I know that we can't all get along 100% of the time.}

Surely I must do things or act a certain way that drive some people up the wall!  I know this.  I can read the torture on some people's faces.  Heck, I'm not perfect.

There was once a time where I was ignorant enough to believe that certain people expected me to be perfect: living up to these imagined expectations was EXHAUSTING!!  Thankfully, I quickly realized that that is no way to live, and learned to live comfortably, without shame of taking ownership of who I am, major and minor faults, and all

Trust me, I am aware that I am most definitely am far far far from perfect!  So I question why I have become a benchmark for some?  I've been told it is because I come across with an air of sophistication, and I carry myself in a way that makes me seem like I think I know it all. 

What?!?  Seriously?

I hate that this is the case.  Inside I aim to be down-to-earth, and truly humble and genuine.  And although I do set high standards for myself I never expect anyone to live up to my own standards.

In all honesty, I only aim to do my very best, and treat those around me with the utmost respect, kindness and love that they deserve.  If this comes across as "perfectionist" behavior, well, I am sorry for it, but I do not know how to be any other way than the most genuine me.  Hopefully, those that take the time to know me understand this, and are willing to accept this for the truth and reality it is.

Forboding Weather (A little poem)

There is much beauty to be beheld,

By the dark and ominous clouds

That swiftly streak across the sky

Yet do not release their cleansing powers.

The deciduous branches glow emerald

Against the foreboding day,

And I am not sorrowed

By the lack of hope here display'd.

There is much beauty to be beheld,

By what we cannot, choose not to see.

Gaze deep and skyward,

And you two shall feel free.