"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
I am convinced I can do little right by some.
Feeling so sad and alone, so friendless (yes, I'm having a pity party for one); people I have trusted to love me for me, perhaps even unconditionally, seem to no longer have the patience to "deal" with me. My heart and my spirit are broken.
Coming off as inconsiderate is never a good thing, but how I manage to come off as too strongly, too abrasively, too interested, too excited, or too caring (and yes, I've heard "you care too much!") bewilders me!
What is so fundamentally wrong with my approach? Why am I so misunderstood? What is it that is unbearable about me that results in so many instances of me crying in the work bathroom stall, or crying myself to sleep after being criticized by friends I love for the things I "shouldn't" have done or said. Am I so critical to deserve such censure?
I speak my mind, and I get in trouble. I express my feelings, good and bad, and I am criticized. I have high standards, and I am a "control freak." Why, I beg, are strength, intelligence, ability, passion and expression of opinion a negative for me? I'm told it's the way I come across, that I must not realize what I do or say, and that sometimes, but not always, it is excusable only because "that's just the way you are"...
I've always felt I could do no right in certain peoples' eyes which is fine, because I can't possibly please everyone, but the sets of eyes are growing... steadily. I must need to learn to check myself more often, bite my tongue more frequently, not be so open, all for the sake of others. Although, I'm tempted to say, "forget it! I'm tired of bending myself for everyone else's sake!" But I question, am I really in the wrong? Who is to say? But if I rub enough people the wrong way, surely I must be the one that needs to change. Trouble is, I've always been this way, so why does it seem that the sensitivity factor has drastically increased lately?
I don't like feeling like this, and feel I must learn to change in order to save what I hold dear. I must re-learn the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." — Matthew 7:12
All I can ask for is a little more patience. x
